back to top12 Comments to “Something light: Star Wars on the campaign trail”

1. BY RobHays 01.09.08 AT 11:14 AM

   Haha! Brilliant!

   I especially like the idea of Fred Thompson as Boba Fett. Looks and acts like a bad motha, but when he gets in the ring with the hero, he gets embarassed and dies a death played for laughs. Ouch.

   And I would’ve had a special category for Howard Dean as one of the Sand People.

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2. BY Make it Man 01.09.08 AT 11:24 AM

   Well that one nearly got me in trouble. I busted out laughing at the Howie comment.

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3. BY jjf 01.09.08 AT 2:21 PM

   Howard Dean as one of the Sand People.

   ROFL!

   Dennis Kucinich and Greedo share a pair of ears and about as much script time.

   Hillary Clinton is the obvious choice for Princess Leia, but Romney is just as pretty.

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4. BY Peter L 01.09.08 AT 2:38 PM

   Harrison: I wonder what site you are linking to when the filter at my job (a high school) tags it as adult content/porn and won’t go to it? Could someone copy and paste some of it here?

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5. BY trr 01.09.08 AT 3:14 PM

   That was kinda funny.

   Vader = Giuliani …I can’t put my finger on why..
   NYPD = Stormtroopers? Nah.
   Luke = Obama (because of age)
   Leia = Clinton, only by virtue of gender
   McCain = Han Solo (POW/encased in carbonite)

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6. BY Make it Man 01.09.08 AT 3:21 PM

   This has nothing to do with Star Wars… but did you ever notice that Obama looks a lot like those caricatures of GWB with the big upper lip hanging out?

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7. BY trr 01.09.08 AT 3:51 PM

   Peter L,
   It was from Craigslist, so I was surprised that I could see it.

   Here you go (minus the pictures, which hurts the humor)…(I don’t know what you will see, without PREVIEW – hint, hint)

   best of craigslist > s.f. bayarea > Star Wars Guide to the Candidates
   Originally Posted: Wed, 2 Jan 17:05 PST
   Star Wars Guide to the Candidates
   Date: 2008-01-02, 5:05PM PST

   Hello America!

   As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray! Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa… so confusing! So much talking, so much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate nation.

   Man, it’s going to be tough.

   Well, this is for those of you who say “To heck with that!” and are more interested in voting for a candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens… I mean really, look how Bush turned out… can you really expect these people to act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no!

   So without further a-doo-doo, here is your

   Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates

   “My friends…” “Luke….” “JOIN ME!!”

   Darth McCain
   I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some of you were thinking “Hey, Vader being a powerful black man…” but NO! You need to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn’t remotely like Vader, and besides, as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries… he has the reputation of a “maverick”… remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial officers? the offer to Luke to join him?

   …but Darth McCain ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the Emperor into a pit… something he has thus far refused to do. Let’s stay in Iraq… err… Tatooine… forever!

   onward!

   J’han Solo
   Umm… Edwards… ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than uhhh… didn’t he play the president in Air Force One? ummm…. He’ll stand up to the Hutt business interests… uhhhh… Goddamn, he’s pretty. Quick, lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my wall.

   Admiral Akbar Richardsomething

   Admiral Akbill
   Man, I tell you what… you read Admiral Akbar’s resume, take a look at his long career, his credentials, and it’s amazingly clear how qualified he is to run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation… “It’s a trap!” We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble, respected by his followers and his peers… but then, Akbar is from a place most people don’t care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely ethnic… is he, I don’t know… too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no idea.

   Limbba the Hutt
   Oops, my bad, not a candidate. Sorry!

   Ur Question? Shh! 9/11!

   Grand Moff Giuliani
   We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government. Like the Empire. “Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable… a large majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else,” his campaign ads say. Well, Giuliani certainly turned things around… he built the Death Star! “By the time I left office,” he continues, “the Death Star was the best example of conservative government in the galaxy!” Some folks might disagree with his foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole planets into rubble.

   Whobacca
   Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran… wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. “Whobacca?!?!”… GRONK! “Gravelbacca!!!” Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!

   Mitt Skywalker
   Not quite as pretty as J’han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt’s biggest appeal is that he’s the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he’s so conflicted it’s hard to know where his true allegiances lie… he’s infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he preaches religious tolerance… but only for those who believe in The Force. Sort of gives the impression he’s been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many times.

   onward!

   Princess Leia Orbama of Alderaan, IL
   A young idealist constantly criticized for her “inexperience”, Senator Leia Orbama once faced down Lord Vader with “Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold… and so stupid.” Pwned! Ultimately might make a good team with J’han Solo, if they can get past their differences of opinion. Orbama shows pragmatism, thoughtfulness, and excellent presentation at official ceremonies, and yet can be a ruthless tactician and even a commando when the sitch requires it. A long experience in grassroots organization (on Endor), and also, pretty.

   I cn haz Bootz. O yes.

   Wicket Huckabee
   Speaking of Endor, that sort of weird foresty place where the Ewoks frolic and enjoy each other’s company, right-to-work laws, and a ban on gay marriage, who’d have ever thought Wicket, a Republican true believer in The Force, could ever have risen to lead such a traditionally Democratic tribe? I mean, it’s inspirational that he lost 105 pounds (he only weighs about 45 now!) and plays the bass, but can you really imagine introducing him to the UN General Assembly? “Ladies and Gentlemen, President Wicket!” How ridiculous. I don’t think so.

   Duncan Biggs Hunter Darklighter
   Certainly the candidate with the most dramatic name, unfortunately this veteran congressman and member of the Armed Services Committee hates women and loves the unborn. Also known as “Red Three”; George Lucas doesn’t really give us much more to go on, except for a vague homoerotic testimonial offered by Skywalker, who says (huskily) “We’re a couple of shooting stars, Biggs, and we’ll never be stopped.” O rly?

   Seriously, look it up in the book… it’s near the end.

   Nute Dodd-Gunray
   Not to be confused with Newt Gunray, who isn’t running, Nute Dodd-Gunray is primarily backed by the financial services industry, which he also just happens to regulate as chairman of the Trade Federation.

   Hmmm.

   Interesting.

   Did you know he also dated Carrie Fisher for a while? For realio. She dumped his ass.

   Obi-ron Paul-obi
   Widely respected for his stubborn belief that the whole universe should be run just like his neighborhood on the backwater planet Tatooine, Obi-ron spends a lot of time wistfully remembering the Old Republic. He practices a peculiar interpretation of The Force, in which reducing government to only local control and returning to the gold standard is the answer. Obi-ron reluctantly returned the contributions of the Tusken Raiders and Jawas, whose politics of ethnic slaughter and droid slave trade he justifies as “states rights”. While his anti-Empire foreign policy excites the Rebel Alliance, it’s pretty much a Jedi mind trick. He’s still a crazy old guy living in the desert.

   Boba Fredtt
   A fearsome enforcer for sale to the highest bidder, there’s a reason they kept Boba Fredtt in the background and didn’t let him talk for all that time. It turns out that when you give him a microphone and encourage him to take a bigger role, he’s actually kind of dim and boring, even with a kick-ass spacesuit. Remember, when he was on Jabba’s sand yacht, a temporarily blinded Solo whacked him with a stick, ignited his rocket pack, and sent him hurtling into the mouth of the Sarlacc monster. Hey, if Solo can humiliate him while blinded, do you really want him as your nominee? Embarrassing, right?

   Tom TanGreedo
   Meh, TanGreedo was a xenophobic freak who got wiped out early. Don’t need to worry about him.

   Jar Jar Kucinich
   Nuff said.

   Okay, really unfair. But remember how the Gungans were sort of these peacenik bumbly guys who sent Jar Jar to represent them in the Republic Government and then he sort of inadvertently started the Clone Wars or something? Kucinich actually admitted to believing in UFOs, man. I mean, everyone believes, but you don’t go around admitting it.

   SeeJoe Threepio
   See, the funny thing about Cjoe3PO is that he’d probably make a pretty good leader. The Ewoks thought he was a god, remember? He’s smart, informed, an excellent protocol droid, but he annoys the crap out of everyone because you can’t shut him up. Still, he’s been around since Episode I and looks pretty impressive when he gets all shined up. We could do worse. And what would be more kick-ass than Vice President Artoo? A mega-improvement, I’m just sayin’.

   Hillando Clintrissian
   Here’s the thing. The Millenium Falcon was hers to begin with. She only lost it to Bill on a bet. Then she got caught up in that whole Cloud City thing in the Bespin system, which proved she could govern, I guess, but she’s kinda hoping you won’t remember that she totally sold out the Rebels to Darth Vader. That’s how J’han Solo wound up encased in Carbonite and Leia ended up in a bikini on a chain. Hmmm. Actually, not so bad! And Hillando did do some nifty piloting against the New and Improved Death Star. Didn’t she also record “Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)”?

   The thing that scares me is when you talk to her staff, they’re like totally dedicated, but kinda scary. Everybody says how Hillando demands their loyalty and efficiency. All we all going to end up being taken over by our Bluetooths? Isn’t this getting a little close to Borg territory, which would be a radically different story? Hillando… I just don’t know.

   Well, that pretty much wraps it up from here. Unfortunately, my favorite candidate isn’t running.

   “Do or do not… there is no try.”

   “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

   “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”

   “Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”

   “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.”

   Vote.

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8. BY trr 01.09.08 AT 3:52 PM

   Wow. I didn’t expect it to show the whole thing. But there it is.

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9. BY llama 01.09.08 AT 5:12 PM

   #6 Make It Man,

   Be careful having Obama and big lips in the same sentence – the PC whack jobs will be all over you as a racist

   I personally can’t figure out why his lips are purple. Every time I see him I scream “will somebody give that man mouth to mouth before he dies!”

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10. BY Peter L 01.09.08 AT 10:21 PM

    Thanks, TRR.

    I actually think Thompson would make a good Chooie. The way he stumbles around when answering isn’t quite the Wookie speech, but sometimes it might as well be.

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11. BY Lester 01.09.08 AT 10:31 PM

    Be careful having Obama and big lips in the same sentence – the PC whack jobs will be all over you as a racist

    Looks like the only whack job who’s made that comparison is you.

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12. BY Theo Godwyn 01.10.08 AT 11:10 AM

    Obama – Ewok, he sure is cute and friendly

    Clinton – Leia, attitude and spunk, not afraid of anything.

    Huckabee – Old Ben Kenobi. It’s all about the force.

    Thompson – Chewbacca. What is he really saying?

    Giuliani – Palpatine. Ever since the disaster, he has seized political opportunity.

    Mitt Romney – Anakin from the Attack of the Clones episode 2. So much wealth (power) but conflicts inside. Leads to changing positions.

    McCain – Han Solo. A maverick. Sometimes a loner trying to combat the evils of the empire. And help himself a little in the process.

    Edwards – Jarjar – Give the people what’s best for them. Even when its not the best idea. A bit comical at times.

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