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The search option doesn’t.

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I think it is great advice on the part of EYG to start a conversation with “When you said ___, it made me feel___”. I have often done this, even admitting before I began that I realized that my husband did not mean to make me feel that way. In this case, it sounds like your husband did know he would make you feel this way and that does needs to be confronted. Whatever you do, do not sweep this under the rug. That is what gives the devil a foothold down the way. Things like this can build up until they are almost beyond fixing. If you cannot talk, a note will often open a door to some decent discussion. It is your job as helpmeet to remind your husband from time to time of his priorities. As a minister’s wife, it is hard to have the sounding board you need. It is certainly the same for your husband, who can have an admiring group around him to his detriment. How easily our feet can slip, both as husband and wife! Again, praying for you both.

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It was never my intention to “blame” the woman. In my experience, the woman is only able to manipulate her own behavior, not her spouses and so can only personally address her own behavior making certain it was to the glory of the Lord. In this case, it appeared she also needed to call on further assistance to help her husband address his problems. None of us are innocent and I think it wise to look at ones’ own actions to make sure they are going right (the mote in the eye). Clearly, a husband by definition, is to be caring for his wife. Scripturally he should be treating her with dignity and respect, if the husband is not, he is in the wrong. But our sister was looking for a place to vent her frustrations without slipping into the so common scene of a spouse badmouthing a spouse. Perhaps I went overboard on offering my thoughts, if so, my deepest apologies.

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Again, I see how as Christians, we tend to shift the burden back onto the wife – “don’t be whiny”, be obedient, submissive, be in prayer. These are all good things but if the wife is consistently and faithfully doing these things and the husband still is abusing her verbally (yes, Mumsee, I call it abuse and I’m saying that from a Christian perspective) it’s totally unfair to keep piling on the guilt and responsibity to the wife.

EYG – I know what you’re saying about the attitude that wins our husbands over – although I think in that particular portion of Scripture, they are talking about an unsaved husband. If the husband is saved, he should be treating his wife as Christ treats us. Have we ever been abused, in any way, shape or form, from Him?

Karen and EYG – I appreciate both of you and your sweet spirit – it is so obvious. You’re both able to say things and say them “seasoned with grace.”

I believe in the biblical pattern for marriage, but I can’t say that I see it all that often. It’s a beautiful thing when it’s done biblically and biblically is when the husband is being a strong, LOVING leader.

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Rave! For shrimp in Louisiana. It’s one of the the things that makes being here bearable.

Rant! For the rain and cold in Baton Rouge. It’s miserable weather today!

Rave! For free wireless access! It has enabled me to resume blogging a bit.

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I agree that all too often, Christian wives get all the blame.

And we do need to remember how a husband is won over…

(It’s not what you might be thinking…)

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This is what I believe about why much of that responsibility falls on the wife. . .

Wives often recognize the problems in their marriage before their husbands do. God works through the obedience, submission, & prayers of the wife to get to the husband. Yes, He uses other people & even counselling if needed, but if the wife is not willing to submit herself & her feelings to God, & let her own attitudes be changed if God wills, then there will be a stumbling block in the husband’s way.

It’s as if the wife is a sort of channel to her husband. Her humility & submission to the Holy Spirit keeps that channel clear & open.

I don’t know if I explained that well. Here in Conn., it’s after 10:00, & my bedtime is 9:30, so I’m pretty tired.

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Mumsee is right that we all have less than stellar moments in our marriages.

Also, I do not believe you are being dishonoring to your husband by asking for help.

I have a couple of impressions: He seems to be fighting dirty in his anger.

Also, anger is a secondary emotion. Is he sad or frustrated and sick of feeling that way? What unresolved issue is at the root of his outburst?

I think you can gently, respectfully speak the truth in love, when the hurricane blows over a bit.

Try keeping the words constructive and non-attacking:
“I felt _______ when you said (or did)_______”

That keeps the criticism constructive.

All of that said, we all need God to intervene when the going gets way too rough.

I will pray that God will minister to you, and that you will have the grace to release your husband’s wrongs into God’s hands, who knows exactly how to handle the situation and truly help you.

Love in Christ.
EYG

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