Boys to men
We’ve blogged here about the Single Young Male – the guy who’s somewhere between 18 and 30 – and his interminable addiction to his own adolescence. He’s in college, in graduate school, trying to pay off school loans, but throwing his income at video games, booze, clothes, women, himself, and he’s rarely in any kind of church fellowship.
Indeed, this new phase of social development portends major shifts in church life. Spoken or not, many churches have practiced an evangelistic strategy that doesn’t expect to reach young men until they return with wife and kid in tow.
I’ve never been to a church that has any discernible strategy to reach out to this demographic, which is a real problem. Young men are future married men, and that’s a necessary figure for the family. The number of 25- and 30-year old men who are married has pretty much been cut in half in the last 35 years.
Between 2000 and 2006 alone, the median age of marriage for men climbed nearly one year, from 26.8 to 27.5. Can our churches afford to wait at least 12 years, between ages 18 and 30, for men to return? Maybe this is a better question: Are young men doomed to self-centered pursuits so long as they haven’t tied the knot?
As the article points out, “it is marriage and children that turns boys into men.” Isn’t that what the church needs?




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back to top39 Comments to “Boys to men”
Maybe this is a better question: Are young men doomed to self-centered pursuits so long as they haven’t tied the knot?
Is every pursuit “self-centered” if it means not going to a house of mysticism and having a familiy? Some young men feel they will not bring children into this world until it’s a better world.
They may be out “making a difference”. Is the church really trying to recruit from those that live for, “video games, booze, clothes and presumably fast women”?
Seems to me that the questions are phrased in such a way as to force certain answers. Where is the discussion?
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I never understood the idea that a married child is disqualified from the same help with their education from their parents as a single child. If my son should decide to get married before he graduates from college and still maintains his grades I see no reason to cut him off. He would be better living with his wife than fooling around or being obsessed with what he thinks he’s missing.
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Rdean asks the right questions not the post. From the article, its not the lack of adherence to anything that is the problem but the change of institutional adherence which is perceived to be the problem. Political parties and churches seem to suffer but NGOs seemed to have adapted to a cultural shift in which people are more transient in their institutional adherence.
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The author hits the root of the problem at the end of the article – gender identity issues. If you want to get these young males straightened out, you won’t do it without first getting women to renounce feminism and restore the Biblical concept of patriarchy in the Church and in marriage. I have told my sons – unless you can find a woman who recognizes and respects your authority in the home and your vision for your family and submits herself to you, don’t even bother to consider marrying her. Marriage to a so-called Christian woman with feminist ideas is a frustrating, conflict-filled no-win situation for a man, and I believe young men, Christian and otherwise, have come to recognize that fact.
Also, by the time most kids, male or female, get done with the toxic college/university experience, their ideas about sexuality, marriage, family & gender roles are so screwed up that it’s better for them and for their future children (if they even decide to have any) if they stay single.
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I’m 28, male, and unmarried. I am also a Christian. I think that one significant barrier that Protestant churches are going to have to overcome before they can effectively evangelize and minister to people like me is the total lack of a biblical theology of singleness. I’ve been in church on probably better than 90% of the Sunday mornings since I was born, and I have yet to hear a sermon on, say, Matt. 19:13, or 1 Cor. 7:1.
This isn’t just doctrinal hair splitting. Many of us Protestants love to hate the extreme to which Roman Catholicism has taken celibacy, but we commit the opposite error of idolizing marriage and family. The article rightly asks, “Are young men doomed to self-centered pursuits so long as they haven’t tied the knot?” Anthropology might say that the answer is typically yes. However, the biblical answer is no. Even so, HSK passes over this question in silence in his haste to agree that boys don’t become men until they marry. This is the very attitude many single people endure in their churches. They are seen as overgrown members of the youth group, permanently in a holding pattern, regardless of their actual spiritual maturity or suitability for responsibility.
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I’ve never been to a church that has any discernible strategy to reach out to this demographic, which is a real problem.
It’s a real problem alright. The nature of Christianity makes it impossible to come up with a “discernible strategy” to “reach out” to young, unmarried men. Christianity naturally appeals to women, and naturally doesn’t appeal to men. It’s a soft, feminine religion, and most men instinctively find it repulsive. Most men who attend church do so because they were raised in it, or to keep their wife happy.
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My son is out with the youth intern for his weekly meeting.
The guys in our church play football together, eat BBQ, camp, play video games, go to gun shows, you know, just hang out.
I’m so grateful for the truly positive experience he’s having at church. He has good guy friends. But, our church is very male-friendly.
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Rostin,
I agree. I am looking at it from the single female perspective, but there is a sense that you’re not considered an adult until you’re married. It is here again in this article. Yes, there are many young men (and young women) who sow a lot of wild oats and they don’t settle down until they’re married, but there are others who grow-up without addition of a spouse. Maybe the Lord has called them to singleness for a season in order for them to have time to serve the Lord. Many young men who are on the fringes of the church could be challenged to be involved. If you treat them like teenagers, they may decide to go ahead and act like teenagers.
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Rostin, Yes!!
I don’t think the 18-30 group actually cares about Church. Why should they? Take away the playboy aspects of this demographic and you have a social network trying to establish itself in some definable way. Sport, new careers, disposable income for the first time, singleness, and lots of energy comes with this group.
To agree with Night Train, Modern Christianity is soft. Men are domesticated by flaccid meetings and lists of prohibitions. If I sing another “Jesus be my boyfriend” song, I’m gonna scream. This may be the elephant in the room here, but what about single women? Single men ordinarily seek single women. Do single church women like their men bursting with energy? Or do the men feel like they need to settle down before they are acceptable to a congregation?
Granted that there is a maturity issue as well. This generation is taking after the 60s generation for the most selfish ever. But, how is the church encouraging the legitimate desires of early adulthood?
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Good points, Rostin (#5).
I have read here about the feminization of the church; not so much the political feminist movement taking over, but taking the masculinity away from males in church. If this is happening, then that could be why young men stay away. In my circle, however, there are almost as many young men as women, if not more, because the churches I know of keep the genders in biblical perspective.
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Night Train apparently believes that the men who submitted themselves to the lions rather than recant were practicing a “a soft, feminine religion”. Evidence of a terminally narrow view, limited to immediate experience.
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Yes, I do, John. There’s nothing that says that a person can’t be brave in service of a soft, feminine religion. Some women also went to the lions for their faith. Were they “masculine” or “butch”? Just because the religion is feminine and soft doesn’t mean that every man in it has to be feminine and soft in everything he does.
And it’s not just a matter of style and emphasis. Take away the 99% of preachers who are wimps, the “Jesus is my boyfriend” songs, the paintings of Jesus that look like a bearded lady, etc, and replace it with “patriarchy”, “Onward Christian Soldiers”, and you’ll still have a soft, feminine religion.
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Manxman writes: “Marriage to a so-called Christian woman with feminist ideas is a frustrating, conflict-filled no-win situation for a man, and I believe young men, Christian and otherwise, have come to recognize that fact.”
The only thing I would amend is “so-called Christian woman” to “any woman.” I’m not suggesting that men become brutes or all macho, but I think it’s high time for men to stand up for themselves. A good Christian man who makes it clear that he will be head of the household and take care of his family will attract the “right” girl.
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Night Train,
Something tells me that this will end in circularity and special pleading, but maybe you could explain a little further what makes Christianity a soft, feminine religion.
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Thanks, NJ Lawyer. I get a little tired of the argument that men are too scared to seek a mate since women are all feminists. In the first place, we aren’t. In the second place, it’s a man’s job to do the choosing–and it’s a wimpy man indeed who sits around whining that he can’t choose a wife since none of them is a good woman. It’s his job to seek her, not her job to sit around waiting for him or, worse yet, chasing him.
I’ve been told that godly men would automatically weed me out of the contention, because I’m an editor. Obviously, I must be a career-focused woman. Well, no, I gave up a job in an office to come home, and I’m not even married!! In fact, I chose my career largely because it doesn’t tie me down in any way. (I don’t have debts from college, or have to “keep up with” special training, etc.) A single woman generally does have to support herself, but that says next to nothing about whether she’d be willing to stay home with the kids if she were married. I think that a young man shouldn’t assume such things as that a smart woman, or a woman who attended college, or a woman who is supporting herself, will be career-focused and not home-minded if she gets married.
The man needs to be more proactive in this and not sit around whining that today’s women are all feminists. No, we’re not. I haven’t seen much in the way of godly leadership among today’s young men, including leadership in being proactive about finding a mate, and thus I’ve settled in contentedly to singleness–but if a godly leader were to seek me out, he’d have my attention.
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Go to church and look around. The absence of males 18-30 is being matched by the absence of females in the same age range.
Parenting plays a major role. You can’t expect the church to do in a couple of hours what the home is unable to do.
The church is to complement what goes on in the home. Fathers must teach their boys what it means to be a man. Boys follow men.
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Go to church and look around. The absence of males 18-30 is being matched by the absence of females in the same age range.
Well, I wouldn’t say it’s matched, exactly, but it’s true that Christianity is becoming increasingly irrelevant to young people. I’ve pointed this out many times. And a lot of the young people who remain want a more “relevant” religion, that is, one that’s more more liberal politically and theologically. See the post about Evolutionary Evangelicalism for more discussion along those lines.
Christianity is a dying religion. Its very teachings contain the seeds of its own destruction.
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Something tells me that this will end in circularity and special pleading, but maybe you could explain a little further what makes Christianity a soft, feminine religion.
I could, but it would do little good as long as you’re still in thrall to the Gospel Myth. It’s something that a Christian has to conclude on his own; trying to convince you of it, unless you’ve already begun questioning things, is futile. You have to haves eyes to see, and ears to hear.
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Many 18-30 are in college. Their priorities are in getting an education. Most are not settled enough to attend a church regularly. Religion is also not foremost on many of their minds.
As they get married and have children, I expect that many will turn to religion in helping them to raise honest, moral, and well-behaved children.
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Night Train,
Well, you’ve pegged me perfectly, and I concede the point, at least as far as I am concerned personally. However, this is a public forum, and who knows? Perhaps some young, skeptical Christian on the very cusp of losing his religion is lurking, earnestly hoping to benefit from your great wisdom and powers of perception. Won’t you share what you know for his benefit?
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“I could, but it would do little good”
In other words, “I will drop bombs but do nothing specific to back up what I say.” Relevence goes out the window as usual. Yawn. Expect nothing better, he’s freely admitted he just comes here to kill time between poker hands.
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“Christianity is a dying religion. Its very teachings contain the seeds of its own destruction.”
I thought that argument died with Voltaire.
“Go to church and look around. The absence of males 18-30 is being matched by the absence of females in the same age range.”
Well, that was my first thought. I didn’t realize that this was a problem because it doesn’t seem to be at out church. Our largest service on Sunday is this age range and it’s hard to find a seat in an auditorium that seats 900. I think what men find attractive about our church is there is something to do. We don’t just come and believe, we don’t just come and nod our heads that we have this nice doctrine, there are things to be done. We have those who only come on Sunday, but we have lots of 18-30 year olds who are involved in ministries like Habitat for Humanity, International Justice Missions, urban ministries, our church runs the local homeless shelter not the government. Men don’t mind a sermon if it leads to rolling up their sleeves and getting to work.
“I get a little tired of the argument that men are too scared to seek a mate since women are all feminists. In the first place, we aren’t. In the second place, it’s a man’s job to do the choosing–and it’s a wimpy man indeed who sits around whining that he can’t choose a wife since none of them is a good woman.”
Amen, sister, you preach it. I used to attend a church where the men whined in just the way you are talking about. (Out in the business world I find very few women reluctant to follow a man who truly leads, feminist or otherwise). Whining about “no go women out there” certainly puts the women in control and I thought men were suppose to lead! Watch out gals, whoever waves the patriarchy flag the most tends to be the wussiest of men.
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It appears the Ghost of Voltaire has joined us in the form of Night Train.
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Ooops, I forgot to read you Adios.
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Christianity is a dying religion.
With the exception of Europe, Christianity is growing in every continent of the world, and there is explosive growth in Africa and Asia. The total Christian population is almost one-third of the world population. Voltaire is dead.
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Too true, and I have witnessed it with my own eyes. At 22 I recently moved to a new town after graduating last summer. I visited the church across the street to find lots of families – young kids and parents and grandparents – but no one older than a highschooler who didn’t appear attached. The butcher I talked to (that’s his job, not an insult!) said there wasn’t anyone my age there. That wouldn’t really bother me but it seemed like it would bother them if I stayed – why would a young, single man come here if there’s no one his age… so I haven’t returned.
On a side note, there is another church nearby – a megachurch of sorts – with probably over 10,000 folks of this age group, 18-30. I don’t think young people are leaving the church per se, just the traditional B&M versions in search of a mission and purpose to it. Why should I go to a traditional church to just hear God’s Word, when I can read it on my own, sing some songs, and leave?
Folks my age have been in school and church learning since we were three years old. After 18 years of learning, isn’t it time to put it all to some use? What is there for young folks to do in the traditional American church?
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JohnV,
I am glad you asked:
help the widows with home maintenance
help the elderly with grocery shopping, yard work, gardening, reroofing, etc
help the orphans (children without fathers) by taking them along to help the above, shooting some hoops, tutoring, fishing, swimming, hunting, etc
help the pastor and family with whatever they need help with
church building projects
help build a ministry to young people
VBS type things
People your age are very much needed and you would be most welcome in our church. We are mostly seniors and of that, mostly widows, and some young children. The ones your age are all off looking for work.
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Getting back to the original post…
I have attended several different Vineyards since I returned from the mission field. Most of them seriously pander to the youth “movement” (18-30). Those of us who missed that demographic were either left out, or left to our own devices.
I’ve had to endure countless teachings on the future of the church belonging to the youth, etc, etc.
My question has always been “what about those of us who are barely gen X? Where do we fit in?”
I’ve given up hope in the Vineyard. I figure that if the Lord wants to use me, He will, despite my “advanced” age of 43.
As for the lack of married young men, well, I can only say that our culture rewards single young men who act the fool, (perpetual adolescents) well into their 30’s. It takes a mature man to be a real husband and father, and our culture doesn’t know how to deal with that. Neither, apparently, does the evangelical church.
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With the exception of Europe, Christianity is growing in every continent of the world, and there is explosive growth in Africa and Asia.
With the exception of Europe? LMBO! Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? When Voltaire wrote, Europe was Christendom. Looks like he was right on the money if he said Christianity was dying. Because I’m sure he was referring to not just the numbers of adherents, but its power and influence, which is less and less everyday. Much of Africa has been heavily Christian for centuries, and what has come of that? We’ve been hearing for decades about a massive revival sweeping the continent, and yet nothing ever seems to change. Famine, disease, war, etc., are more prevalent there than ever. And I expect that 100 years hence, nothing much will have changed, and that the few Christians left here in America will still be talking about the “mighty work the Lord is doing in Africa”, etc. I don’t know much about what’s going on in Asia along these lines, although I have read that Christianity is flourishing in China even though it’s brutally repressed. I don’t doubt it, and wouldn’t be surprised to see Christianity becoming allowed by the commies in the future. But no matter what happens in Asia, Christianity centered there will be a far different thing than Western Christianity. It wasn’t Christianity alone that made Europe and America what they used to be; our culture wasn’t a Judeo-Christian culture, it was a Greco-Christian culture. And once it’s gone, we won’t see the likes of it again. And it’s very nearly gone. Voltaire was right. Christianity is dead in Europe, and it’s dying in America.
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From what I’m reading on here, one can conclude the following:
1. The answer to the lack of men in church is a “smash mouth” version of male ruled Christianity.
2. Women need to re-learn their place: following behind the men quietly, preferably with their eyes lowered.
3. If you’re a single, no matter how old you are, you’ll never be a true man until you get married.
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Those of you suffering from not being seen as an adult unless you are married: take heart.
There is a fresh wind of change, a going back to the truth.
My son is 18. He is a man, albeit a young man still in need of mentoring. Biblically, there is no adolescence. I reinforce his adulthood as much as possible, because I want him to grasp that so that no one else can tell him otherwise.
I’m sorry for what you single people who are enduring with the current pervasive bias against your status.
I reinforce this to my daughters and all the sons and their parents who God sends my way. I’m glad you spoke up.
Also, I agree!! A man who dismisses all women as feminists is being just as narrow minded as those who can’t believe single people are adults. He shouldn’t be so timid. My husband won me because he wasn’t (visibly) scared of me. I liked his mettle.
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NT @ 29: Voltaire was actually a Deist who for the most part focused his criticism towards the actions of organized religion, rather than with the concept of religion itself. He also had a reputation for taking both sides of an argument, as is exemplified in his many quotations.
One of his most famous quotations, of course, is this one: “Within 100 years of my death, Christianity will be swept from existence and…pass into history.” Only 50 years after his death, the Geneva Bible Society bought Voltaire’s house and turned it into a printing press and produced stacks of Bibles! During that century there was great growth and revival, new mission societies were born, and the Gospel continued to spread to every continent in the world. So despite your claim, Voltaire was totally wrong. Not only has Christianity not passed into history, but on a worldwide scale [and no, on other continents and in other cultures it doesn't have to and in fact shouldn't look like 'Western' Christianity] it is alive and growing and continues to be influential. And it will continue to do so, b/c Jesus has promised: “I will build My church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.”
This is a losing argument for you, but maybe you can get the thread back on track by addressing the issue that you dodged at # 18.
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Tychichus, if Voltaire said that, he was obviously wrong. If he said that Christianity would die off in Europe, he was obviously right.
There’s another recent post (by HSK I think) about changing American evangelicalism from the latest Atlantic Monthly. Well, I had to go into the Big City today, so I spent a few hours at Barnes & Noble, and a few more at Books A Million. I thought I’d check out the article referenced. Well, lo and behold, the AM also had an article about the future of religion in Africa, which I read. The author is Eliza Griswold, and she’s the daughter of an American bishop in the Anglican or Episcopalian church. The article is about the growing war between Islam and Christianity on the continent. She focused on Nigeria, but made it clear that the trends she wrote about were taking place all over the continent. One interesting note is about the mass murders committed by both sides in Nigeria. And guess who encourages and winks at Christians committing pogroms against Muslims? The Anglican Primate Peter Akinola, the hero of so many conservative Christians in America for his stance against gays. Gay marriage is wrong, but the mass murder of Muslims is fine. But the main thing that’s pertinent here is the nature of much of the “Christianity” that’s spreading like wildfire. Guess what? Much of it is about using God to get rich. It’s barely more than a superstition. She quotes one man who frankly says he became a Christian to get rich. Nigeria is filled with preachers who make Kenneth Copeland and Creflo Dollar look like Mother Theresa. Their sermons are about money, money, money. They write books on money, money, money with pictures of bundles of currency on the cover. So many people are converting from Islam to “Christianity” to get rich that the Muslims have mounted a counterattack. They started a group called NASTA or NATA or something like that, which is basically prosperity preaching from a Muslim perspective, i. e, Allah wants you rich. Now it’s spreading like wildfire.
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Whoa! #30, where did you get that garbage? Wake up, man! Pay attention!
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NT: I don’t know enough about the situation in Africa to be able to really comment on the dynamic of tremendous Christian growth vs. the never-ending problems: leaders who fall into the traps of money, sex and power or some combination thereof, lack of new ideas, issues of dependency, AIDS, etc. I will say that the church often grows exponentially in times of great trial and persecution, which of course is happening in great measure in China as well. Not only did Jesus promise that His church will grow [as I mentioned in #32], but He also guaranteed that His followers would experience tribulation [Jn 16:33, among others] and persecution [Jn 15:20, among others].
P.S. While I don’t particularly like your anti-Christian bias [though that's most likely not an accurate description b/c even though I don't know you I have an inkling that you're not so much against Christianity but rather you've been deeply hurt by a Christian or Christians], I do really appreciate your “tell-it-like-it-is” attitude and your great sense of humor.
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Part of it is the Church has to get a new schtick. You can’t build a following on hate gays, keep women down and anti sciece. Not after Will and Grace, Kill Bill and National Geographic.
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I do really appreciate your “tell-it-like-it-is” attitude and your great sense of humor.
Yeah, well, I’m no Llama or Drill, but I do what I can. Thanks.
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NT: Some of us have it, and some of us stiffs just don’t have it…
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JohnV at #26: On a side note, there is another church nearby – a megachurch of sorts – with probably over 10,000 folks of this age group, 18-30. I don’t think young people are leaving the church per se, just the traditional B&M versions in search of a mission and purpose to it.
I used to be involved in the young adult singles group of a megachurch. My observation at the time was that at least 2/3 of the men involved were there to meet chicks. They were nominally Christian — enough so to fit in — but they were treating as a Sunday-morning singles bar, not a house of worship.
Every time a new woman walked in to the room where the group met, she was immediately surrounded by a half-dozen solicitous men trying to get her attention and favor. The poor girl wouldn’t even have time to find a chair before she was being hit on.
It was pathetic.
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