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Reg – As to your question, “How do the people mentioned in this post feel about having their lives exposed on the internet???” -

My husband has been open about his alcoholism, confessing it in church, & later giving his testimony of how God delivered him & worked out some tough related situations.

Maybe if everyone on this blog knew exactly who Emily & Lee are, I wouldn’t have posted #13. But they are merely names to people here.

On the other hand, if I had taken a little more time before I posted it, I might have reconsidered.

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I’m so sorry for the situation you face. When you wrote in post #13 “She won’t tell me why she won’t tell him she loves him, & she refuses to discuss the matter.” Karen I took your comment to mean ‘you’ because you referred to yourself as “me” which didn’t include anyone else.

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And thank you to everyone else who shared in their posts too… forgiveness is so important. Of course in some circumstances, such as Ame is describing, trust should not follow.

There was an elderly member of my family who recently died. His father beat him, his mother died early and his stepmother hated him. He left home to work in the coal mines at 14 years of age. He never forgave, and carried his bitterness around, spilling it out on all of us. It was so sad, his parents died long before I was born, but I missed out on a closer relationship with him because of his refusal/inability to forgive them.

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This puzzles me. Did I give you the impression that I’m the only one she won’t discuss it with? Or am I misreading you?

She won’t discuss it with anyone, that I know of.

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The thing is, I truly believe that she does love her dad, but won’t say the words for some reason. She’ll hug him back when he hugs her, they can laugh & “goof around” together, she talks to him in a friendly, comfortable manner.

As I mentioned above, Emily says we had a happy home life, & once, when writing about her upbringing, wrote that we taught her the importance of family, & that her family was a loving one. She is not the kind to write or say something she does not believe to be true.

My husband is willing to sit down & talk with her & our pastor &/or his wife. Now we need to approach Emily about this.

And yes – I pray for her everyday, throughout the day, & so does her dad.

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Forgiveness is a process, a necessary process. I forgive my parents, but I do not trust them … and I shouldn’t. I have very rare contact with them and haven’t seen any of my family in several years as they all “side” with my parents.

Trust must be earned. Period.

It honors no one if I re-enter my family and act like nothing happened.

Also, the last time my parents were around, my girls were preschoolers … and my dad went around just hitting them. I had to tell him to stop. He said he wasn’t hitting them and my mother backed him up. I saw it. I told him that under no circumstances was he to EVER hit my children! I protected my children for the rest of that short visit and have not exposed my children to them since.

After years of therapy and support groups, including a sexual abuse recovery group, I forgive my parents. But I do not trust them … nor should I.

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#8 – Pauline … I am very sorry.

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#13 – fwiw – here’s my .02:

I do not see any reason why your daughter should tell you why she will not tell her dad, “I love you.” Affection and love is a choice, not something that should be demanded. I am sorry your husband is hurting, but apparently, the hurt he did to your daughter was deeper than either of you know, and the consequence of that hurt is what she’s going through now.

Rather than be upset she does not show you both the affection and trust you desire and be trying to force it, I would suggest you be on your knees praying for her, praying for her, praying for her … and putting masking tape over your mouth if necessary to keep it shut (just something learned from experience as a mom).

I would work very hard to not let the thought that “Lee was/is a generous father with time as well as money.” enter your emotions to believe that she is wrong or should not feel the way she does. There’s more to the story than either of you know. Pray that God lead her to a godly, biblical counselor where she can work this out.

I would also recommend you and your husband seek biblical counseling. A biblical, experienced counselor can guide you both with the adult relationship you have with your adult child … and with the hurt and pain in this relationship.

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“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.” 2 Corinthians 7:10-11.

The circumstances (as always) were not the same as those Tomy mentioned, but it’s crucial to see that there are two kinds of sorrow (or “being sorry”) and even the healthy or “godly” kind is not in itself equal to repentance. It is healthy because it LEADS to repentance.

Repentance is much more than sorrow. It is a full about-face, a change of heart and mind (metanoia) that trnslates into a change in behavior as well.

John the Baptist understood this. He preached. “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” (Luke 3:8).

This comports with much that is written above. I have a lot of respect for so many on this blog.

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Agreed. This is one reason that Jay Adams states that Christians should use Biblical language in matters of reconciliation. Instead of saying “I’m sorry”, we should say something like “Please forgive me for doing [thus and so].” This way, two things happen. As Tony points out, the specific offense is named and recognized. The second is that it “requires” (so to speak) the other Christian to respond with something like, “I forgive you.” Too often the response to “I’m sorry” is “That’s ok” or something like that. The other person needs to hear that he/she is forgiven by the other brother/sister. If nothing else, it is an encouragement as well as a reminder of the Lord’s abundant forgiveness.

I preached a series on the book of Philemon a couple of years ago. I kept restating that this book is an example of “Christianity in Action.” It’s one thing for us to have all this doctrine in our heads and to profess to be Christians, or even to participate in works of charity and the like, but what do we do when the rubber meets the road? When another Christian comes to us, especially if it is a very public sin (as in the case of Onesimus and Philemon), then how do we react? Do we act just like the very world we always trash with our mouths but mimic with our lives? Or do we act like image-bearers and extend forgiveness when we’ve been wronged? Such situations can be quite revealing, imho.

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