I’ll buy one.

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You are very dashing and chic in your splendid gaucheness. Try not to blind the innocent.

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One needs to be SURE that one correctly choses JUST the appropriate outfit for each occasion, or circumstance. We CERTAINLY do not need to be gauche. There is simply to much gauchness in today’s society, anyhow.

I am pretty good at this myself (picking out the right outfit, not being gauche – not to toot my own horn, or anything like that).

For instance, a few years ago I was dragged by sadistic relatives to the beach somewhere down on the Florida Panhandle.

In preparation for this ordeal, I went to a store and bought an enormous pair of ridiculous swimtrunks covered with colorful fish and tropical fruit designs; when I tried them on I looked like a cross between the Atlanta Aquarium and a banana plantation in Central America.

The clerks at the store had a grand old time; they tried to sell me their largest size ‘Speedo’ but it got over-stressed and busted during tryouts and twanged off at high-speed like a giant rubberband, and smacked one of the clerks right in the eye. That was the only bright spot in the shopping trip, from my perspective.

Anyway, when we got down to Florida and checked into our hotel, I sloughed on down through the sand to the beach. I struggled out of my overalls (I had put the bathing trunks on underneath the overalls in the hotel room).

There were a fair number of folks around and so I lay down on the sand just at the surf line to let the water surge up and down around me. It was kind of peaceful so I closed my eyes and sort of dozed off.

Well, after a while, I woke up and got up and noticed no one was around anymore; the beach was deserted, empty, sans people. I puzzled on that a bit, then put my overalls on, packed up my stuff, and sloughed through the sand back to the hotel where my relatives were.

They were really irritated because apparently while I was asleep on the beach, the authorities had closed the stretch of beach I was on, due to reports of a dead beached WHALE, of all things, seen awash in the surf by numerous eyewitnesses.

The reports on the local news that evening indicated that the whale had apparently become entangled in some large bizaare multi-colored tent of some sort and had presumbably drowned. People who saw it said it was pretty far gone, too; must have been dead a long time.

Curiously, they never found the whale; it must have washed back out to sea. I sure never saw it, anyway.

I had had enough myself and spent the rest of the vacation in my hotel room in my underwear while my bathing trunks and overalls dried, watching reruns of Flipper.

Anyway, if anyone needs free clothing/fashion advice, I am always available.

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