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Something Light: Humor me
After three relatively sleepless nights–the consequence of traveling with a 10 month old–I’m going to need a triple shot espresso and a healthy dose of humor to get through another day. So bring on your favorite jokes, one-liners, and short humorous stories, and in the words of Donald O’Connor, “Make ‘Em Laugh.”
Topic: Just for Fun, WorldMagBlog
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back to top33 Comments to “Something Light: Humor me”
A priest and a rabbi and a Baptist minister walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
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Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was assaulted.
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KBells, that’s one of my favorites.
I also like: A man walks into a bar … shoulda ducked.
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to People isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
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# 4 reminded me of a favorite joke of mine.
One day a man who had mocked God all his life was walking through the woods. All of a sudden a humongous bear appeared, walking on his hind legs towards the man, waving his paws in the air angrily and growling loudly. As the bear came closer, the man realized that the end of his life was nearing. In desperation, he cried out: “God! I am sorry for all the wrong things I’ve done! Please, I want to be a Christian, I believe in you God!” As an afterthought he added, “and God, please, please make this bear a Christian too!”
A transformation took place. The bear suddenly stood still and stopped growling. His face took on a peaceful expression and folding his paws and bowing his head, he said reverently, “Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal I am about to partake.”
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Give Kristin another triple shot.
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Did you hear about the elephant who had diarrhea? It’s all over town.
A blind termite walked into a bar and said.”Is the bar tender here?”
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Kristin,
What you need to learn to do is save a copy of Drill’s stories each time he tells one (or get your web experts to make the Search function here look at comments, not just the initial post). Then when you need a good dose of humor, pull out a few to reread.
It’s hard to find good jokes that haven’t been passed around the internet a few million times, but Drill’s stories are unique. The one about the umbrella in the van is especially good when you need to laugh. (Just don’t read it while drinking anything.)
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Pauline, I missed that one. Do you have it saved somewhere that you could re-post it here?
And I agree; I much prefer “situational humor” over a joke any day. On Saturday nights (when the whole crew, three generations, comes over for dinner) we sit around and talk and goof off and rehash our week and stuff and we get to laughing so hard we end crying.
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A string walked into a bar. The bartender looked at him as told him, “We don’t serve strings in here.” The string walked out of the bar and tied knots all up and down himself and frayed his ends. When he walked back in the bar and sat up to the bar he was asked, “Aren’t you that string that was in here before?”
“Nope, I’m afraid not.”
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A scientific study was done to determine the funniest joke in the world. (Really. See laughlab.co.uk.) This is the winner.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
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Funniest situational humor I know of: Dogs in Elk. http://www.jerrypournelle.com/reports/jerryp/dogsinelk.html
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My dad’s favorite joke: Why do gorillas have big fingers. Why, because they have big nostrils.
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Two cannibals are having dinner together. One says, “This is the best soup your wife ever made!” The other says, “Yeah, too bad she can only make it once.”
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I’ve only heard one blonde joke featuring a male blonde. The only catch is y’all will have to put the accents in yourselves.
There were these three construction workers way up on top of a high building, and it was lunch time. The Chinese guy opens his lunch and says, “Oh, no! Chop suey again. If I get chop suey one more time, I will throw myself off the building.” The Mexican guy opens his lunch next, and he says, “Mama Mia! If I get tacos one more time, I will throw myself off the building.” So then the blonde opens his lunch, and he says, “Not a PBJ! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time, I will throw myself off the building.”
The next day at lunchtime, the Chinese guy opens his lunch, and sure enough: he has chop suey. So he throws himself off the building. Then the Mexican opens his lunch, and his wife has packed him tacos. So he throws himself off the building. The blonde opens his lunch, and he has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He throws himself off the building too.
They hold the funeral a few days later. The Chinese wife is crying and wailing and saying, “If I’d only packed him something besides chop suey, he would still be alive!” And the Mexican wife starts bawling too and says, “If I’d only packed something besides tacos, he’d still be alive!” They turn to the blonde’s wife and notice she’s not crying. So they ask her why. She shrugs and says, “He packed his own lunch.”
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I just received an e-mail with several one-of-a-kind pictures of planes in unusual situations (in a lake, on fire, etc.) and some sayings of flight attendants (”As you leave take all your belongings, everything left will be devided among the flight attendants. Be sure to take all children and spouses, except for that gentleman over there.”)
I forewarded it to some friends, and added this true story.
I was flying out of Dulles when we were delayed about an hour. Someone had removed from the back of the seats the little note that says , “The seat cushon may be used as a flotation device”.
Some federal agency kept the plane grounded until the notices were replaced.
It was a Washington to St. Louis flight.
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Mommy,
Sorry, I didn’t save it. And it was several months ago, at least, so there’s no way I’m going to find it by looking through old threads.
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Chas:
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Two blondes walked into a building…
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.
Q: What goes green-red green-red green-red?
A: A frog in a blender.
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
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Did you hear about the Amish flu? First you get a little hoarse. Then you get a little buggy.
Amos and Eli were out hunting one day when Eli all but fell into a deep dark hole. “Hey Amos, what do you reckon this hole is?” asked Eli. Amos said it was an old mine shaft. “How deep you figger it is?” asked Eli. Amos suggested they throw in a rock and listen for it to hit bottom. They did, but never heard it hit. So they decided to throw in a bigger rock. Still nothing. “Let us find something real big,” suggested Amos. Soon Eli was dragging an lod railroad tie out of the woods and the two Amishmen heaved it into the hole. A moment later, a goat sped past them and jumped into the hole.What was that? Eli asked. “Looked like a goat, but I never seen one move so fast,” replied Amos.
Shortly, an old timer sauntered out of the woods and asked the two Amishmen if they had seen a goat. Amos told about the goat that had raced by them and jumped into the hole. The oldtimer replied, “That couldn’t have been my goat. He wouldn’t have been able to run that fast tied to that old railroad tie.”
…ok I’ll stop.
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced her and gave her a long passionate kiss as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’
The husband thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.’
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Here’s one that will get Krisitn laughing. Off the AP.
Cheney explained that during the course of researching his family lineage for Lynne’s memoir “Blue Skies, No Fences” last year, he learned there were Cheneys on both his father’s and his mother’s side of the family. There was a Richard Cheney on his mother’s side, the vice president said.
“So I had Cheneys on both sides of the family and we don’t even live in West Virginia,” Cheney quipped.
Of course West Virginians are not laughing, but the rest of us are.
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This is old, but I still get a laugh out of it.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “Why the long face?”
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The blonde pulled her red sports car over when the police car came up behind her with lights flashing. The police woman asked her for her driver’s license.
“I’m not sure what that is,” said the driver.
“It’s a rectangular thing in your purse with your picture on it,” explained the officer.
“I found it,” exclaimed the driver, and handed the policewoman her compact mirror.
“Oh, I see you’re blond, too,” said the police woman as she looked at it.
This was the same blond driver that was upset at the DMV because when she looked at her new license she noticed she had received an “F” in sex.
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OK situational humor: About two weeks ago, my husband and my son were having breakfast. This was before the coffee kicked the fog out of DH’s brain. I was making DH’s lunch for him to take with him to work and since I was standing in front of the flatware drawer, DH, who wanted to butter his toast said, “If you happen to run into a knife while you’re over there, that would be helpful.”
My son didn’t miss a beat and asked him how much life insurance he had out on me and how long he’s wanted me dead. It took a minute before DH got it and then the tap dancing started. To be honest, it took me a minute to get it too. But then we all had a good laugh out of that one.
DH can home from work with some fresh flowers. Now it’s a fun story to tell.
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Lumps–
Reminds me of a joke Cheney told regarding Hillary’s “I-got-shot-at-in-Bosnia” gaffe.
He said, “She just made an honest mistake. She confused the trip to Bosnia with the time I took her hunting.”
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Lumps – I have Morrises on both sides of my family and we aren’t from WV either. I’m from upstate NY originally.
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True story. One morning I found my dishtowels dumped in the floor. When I questioned my five-year-old son about it, He said the cat did it. I asked him if he was sure and he said, “Yes, I saw her do it.”
“Okay I said. “We don’t need a cat around the house who does things like that. Maybe we should give her away.”
He thought this over a minute, contemplated losing his cat then lowered his head and humbly said. ”I confess. …It was Daddy.”
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Watching Retarded Policeman on you tube makes me laugh.
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That is funny, Kim! And Klasko!
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What you need to learn to do is save a copy of Drill’s stories each time he tells one.
Pauline, I actually went home and told my family Drill’s bit about how Obama decided to run and the democratic convention.
I’ve never read a funnier political piece in a long time.
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Kimberly,
I tried to read one of Drill’s stories to my husband, but it was too hard to read without laughing. I finally had to have him read it himself.
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