Stay-at-home feminists
I dislike the word feminist. It’s just so loaded. But that’s what this article is about, until we come up with a better word. Sandra Tsing Loh at The Atlantic Monthly says feminists have come to some unusual places in fifty years: getting out of the house, getting college degrees and terrific jobs, and then: wanting to go back to the house. What gives? Weren’t women supposed to take over the world?
[A]ren’t women at home subject to the oppression of their chauvinistic, soul-crushing husbands? As if a mere human could compete with clogged freeways and Sisyphean paper pushing (or its more up-to-date equivalent, paperless pushing) and burnt-coffee-laced afternoons counting the acoustic tiles in stale conference rooms, and the hours spent arguing over the wording of a memo that within minutes after its dissemination will be dragged into the now-two-dimensional circular file [...]
Even providing a chilled martini at six o’clock and roast beef at seven to the legendary suburban alpha male of yore allowed most of one’s day to be fairly flexible. As for today’s poorer husbands, many of them are likely too tired from their job’s repetitious, socially invisible physical tasks to continually oppress their wives.
Of course, it’d still be hard for some women to admit this, to admit that they want to be home. Just like it’s hard for more conservative stay-at-home-moms to admit that they might rather be out somewhere, working. I still think the issue of working moms is too contentious to receive the more nuanced treatement it needs, at least from the Church. Most of us Evangelicals are still too quick to condemn moms who work, moms who send their kids to pre-school, moms who do anything but stay at home and teach their children Latin.
Until the home becomes as viable a workplace as it was a hundred years ago – when so many businesses and farms and means of employ were in the home or nearby – families are going to have to make tough decisions about what to do with the children, and what to do with the parents who tend to them. It’s not a black and white matter of either A) loving your children or B) loving some selfish career. Don’t you think?













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back to top25 Comments to “Stay-at-home feminists”
A prince in Chaucer’s “Wife of Bath” sought the answer to the most mysterious question of all, “What do all women want?” After searching the world, a witch said she would reveal the secret if the prince would marry her. He agreed. Answer: “Their own way in everything!” Ahhhh!
A stay at home feminist has all the benefits of womanhood without giving up all the anger.
There is a nagging dissatisfaction in humans to be something other than who God made you to be. This drives the sexual revolution, i.e. sexual confusion of our day.
Feminism is motivated by the age-old desire to be like the stereotypical man, to have the same status, same pay and to sleep around without consequences.
But being a real man isn’t much like the stereotype. And being a woman has its benefits. There is an inherent satisfaction in fulfilling your destiny, operating as designed.
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I think the best place to be is in the center of God’s will for your life. That’s the only spot where you’re going to find contentment and fulfillment.
Fortunately, it’s not always in one specific place or another and changes. Yes, I chafed when I was home raising children. Yes, sometimes I want to be home writing now, when I’m at work. But as long as I listen and follow the Holy Spirit–I’m in the right place.
Unfortunately, too many of us don’t want to listen or follow. Probably women and men alike.
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“Most of us Evangelicals are still too quick to condemn moms who work…”
Yes, the real problem in Christendom is its intense patriarchy–all those men *condemning* any woman who isn’t kitchen-bound, barefoot and pregnant.
What planet are you from?
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As someone who has done both, both are hard but being a working mom is harder.
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On the lighter side of gender roles (or jokes that will enrage feminists):
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man worries about the future when he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
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What do women want?
Someone to keep her car running.
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David L – if you have been around long enough to see some of the daycare threads, yes, this can be the case. Moms who use daycare are often portrayed as someone who loves her job more than her kids, etc. I’ve experienced that attitude. Not everyone, of course, but many Christians feel the only right thing to do is to be a SAHM. It’s not just the men, but other moms too.
Kbells – I would agree. Although it may just be hard in different ways. A working mom never feels like she does anything 100% – but tries to do a lot of things less well.
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Can we all agree here that being a SAHM today is much much improved over what Betty Friedan chronicled in the late 50s early 60s. (And for the record I once read that Friedan herself had housekeepers. Evidently Mr Friedan wasnt quite the oppressor many made him out to be!)
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I dislike all grouping labels applied to people—such as feminist.
We are individuals with personal character traits, mannerisms, likes/dislikes, etc., uniquely and specifically created by God to be individuals with specific purposes known only to Him.
Matthew 10:30 “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”
To label someone, in an effort to assign them to a group, is to confound that uniqueness with the characteristics the label carries—many of which may not even remotely apply to the individual. Depending on the label, it may be done maliciously in an effort to marginalize that individual with traits that the label implies, real or imagined, or which may have been, at one time, true of some individuals, but is no longer.
And, if we willingly label ourselves, we should be aware of all the terms and conditions—positive/negative, true/untrue—that label may bring.
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The Jews were persecuted as a group, when a single Jew was not known or befriended. We do the same when we stereo-type. We distance ourselves from relationships with real people and limit the work of God that we pretend to comprehend.
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Thoughtful post, Harrison. I’m not married yet, but I’m still hoping to continue my work in some capacity after I’m married and have kids. I’m hoping the guy I marry will support that and sometimes sacrifice so I can do that. I also fully plan to support his work and sacrifice so he can do his work, too. And I hope both of us will sacrifice our own careers for our kids.
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Alisa, you kind the persnickity nail on its head: sacrifice is what is needed to raise children well. Some sacrifice to stay at home, some sacrafice to kiss a little face good-by for awhile every morning. Either way its gonna hurt somehow.
Where is Graham Parsons when you need him? “Love Hurts!”
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11. Alisa, as we discovered when both of you are sacrificing your career for the other’s career sometimes neither of you get anywhere.
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When I met my wife, one thing I found sexy was that she had a business card.
She was a well paid college educated career woman in the defense industry. She had short hair, wore business suits and told people what to do – a successful showpiece of feminism. I was a lowly truck driver with no degree who had spent 3 years trying to act like Jesus.
Guys would pick up their girl friends at her office in fancy foreign cars. I’d pull up in a Mack truck with a crane. I’d have to help her up into the cab to the laughter of her co-workers. That was over 25 years ago.
For some reason she had confidence in me and agreed to marry me. Things started happening quickly – we had kids and she became a stay at home mom. My career in engineering took off and we became a typical couple.
But I don’t thank feminism for my business woman / stay at home wife. I thank Rosy the Riveter.
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Alisa, it is possible! I didn’t get started on my editing career until after I was married, to a wonderful man who completely supported my dreams and efforts. My full-time work, which I really enjoyed, helped support us when he went back to school for a biology degree so he could apply to medical school.
Now he’s a medical resident, and I’m a full-time SAHM of 3 boys (first one born six weeks after I lost my job in a sudden department closure – talk about God’s providence!) and a part-time, work-from-home editor doing projects that I really enjoy. My work doesn’t pay all that well, and since Boy v.3.0 came along I haven’t worked much, but it’s enough to keep my brain from rotting, at least.
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It’s not a black and white matter of either A) loving your children or B) loving some selfish career. Don’t you think?
My first reaction to this was “why is a career necessarily selfish?”. It’s a good question, but perhaps a better one is:
Aren’t many women (and men) having and raising children out of selfish motives???
I know several who can only be considered egomaniacal when it comes to both producing and raising children.
We are by nature competitive people–why wouldn’t some of us compete, out of our own selfish competitive motives to produce the most or the “best” of this product?
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What are some examples in Scripture of women staying at home, or having a career?
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A prince in Chaucer’s “Wife of Bath” sought the answer to the most mysterious question of all, “What do all women want?”
I like Tonio K’s lyrical answer to that question.
As for women in the Bible who stayed home or had a career, there are a number of examples of each.
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Actually, Outkast, I don’t think the Bible makes such a distinction. A woman had her home as “home base,” but she worked in the fields and so forth. The idea of working for someone else, and being paid in money and not in grain or whatever, is far more widespread than it used to be.
I’m very much in favor of stay-at-home moms, and would be one myself if I were married. (I’m a stay-at-home single as it is, working from my home.) But when I hear women taking the SAHM argument and stretching it by saying that a husband is biblically responsible for all the household income, I don’t buy it. If there are numerous young children in the home, sure, a mom has her hands full without doing any other work, and in fact her husband should make sure she doesn’t have to do any other work. But a mother with two school-age kids in a public or private school during the day may have a few hours a week to contribute to the household finances, whether it’s with a garden or small farm that provides much of the family table, a job from home, or even a part-time job outside the home.
I do think that the husband is the family “provider,” and the wife shouldn’t feel pressure of “having to work,” but I don’t see all that much distinction between an 18th-century farm wife being the caretaker of the garden and the chickens (besides sewing her family’s clothes, doing the washing by hand, and so forth) and today’s wife doing some tasks for money. I think the ideal would be both husband and wife being based from home.
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A good wife will seek what is best for her husband. A good husband will seek what is best for his wife. Both will seek what is best for the family.
But a feminist will always seek what is best for HERSELF!
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“What do all women want?”
For a start help with the laundry.
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What do all women want?
A man who will change the diaper instead of merely holding up the child for “Mommy!”
Some of the gals here have written about editorial jobs. Journalism if you’re serious about it does entail sacrifice for often times little more pay than a teacher’s aide. I think a life where you might be asked to be a nomad and globetrotter (for Newsweek, WSJ or Time) is certainly a calling. You toil for years at puny paychecks and it is only when you move into managemt of some type that you start making real income. Like so many things it is a calling one answers not due to any promised paycheck at the end of the month. I spoze gals who land hubbies with solid (un-fireable?) job credentials could easily pursue it.
New a rather plain gal in Austin who was pursuing a media job. Such jobs do tend not to favor the not so telegenic, no?
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Though I understand the argument that being a “working mom” is harder, I’m not sure I completely agree–Something my husband and I have talked about recently (pertaining to my job as a SAHM) is DOING IT WELL. I know several ladies (some who are dear friends) who do the SAHM thing, but are just floating by. They use the TV, complain about their struggles, belittle their husbands, etc., etc. (Disclaimer–I do those things too, I’m NOT a perfect SAHM). When you parent like that, sure it might be easier than being a “working mom.” But to do it right??? I mean, using all those teachable moments placed before you with your children; teaching about the Lord “when you lie down, etc.”, intentionally disciplining and discipling…I think that’s about the most difficult thing to do.
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What do all women want?
The same thing everyone else on the planet wants.
Their own way in everything – it just usually takes a different form according to gender.
There’s a reason Genesis 3:16 lays out the curse the way it does, and there’s a reason Ephesians 5 says what it does to demonstrate that God’s way is exactly opposite to mankinds selfish tendencies.
Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
Just in case you miss it, this passage basically says that everyone is going to want their own way in everything, and they’re going to try to manipulate each other to get it.
In great contrast Ephesians starts with submitting to the Spirit, and then when you get that right, you can submit one to another (ie. Husbands sacrificially loving their wives as Jesus loved the church, and wives submitting to their husbands as Jesus taught all of us to be the servant of all). This should be understood, not as the Husband Lording it over his wife, but as all parties doing unselfishly what is best for each other. To understand this passage any other way is to go back to the curse uttered in Genesis, and turn the meaning of Ephesians 5 on it’s head!
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WHAT WOMEN WANT (Tonio K.)
i know what these women want
they want sex
yeah, that’s true, but
i know what these women want
they want money
yeah, that too, but
i know what these women want
i know what these women really want
i know what these women want
they want champagne and jewelry
and german cars
i know what these women want
they want roses by the dozen
wanna break your heart, but
i know what these women want
i know what these women really want
they want love
it’s been a problem for a couple thousand years
can’t seem to find it ’cause it always disappears
they want love
don’t need no forgery, don’t need no substitute
they need somebody honest, not just somebody that’s cute
they want some affection
and some protection
that’s what they want
i know what these women want
they wanna fight
we’ve got ‘em pretty mad, boys
i know what these women want
they wanna lay down and die sometimes
’cause it hurts
i know what these women want
i know what these women really want
they want love
they want a lover, they don’t want no little boy
don’t wanna wind up bein’ someone’s broken toy
they want love
they want somebody they can maybe even trust
they’ve got a feeling
they’re not asking all that much
some affection
and just a little protection
that’s what they want
i think that’s all they want
(c)1986 Bibo Music Publishers/N.Y.M.
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