Comments on: Safer, more afraid, or both?

By: Bianca

Bianca — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 14:16:13 +0000

I always tell people, I’m not paranoid. I’m awaranoid!

By: opinionated teen

opinionated teen — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 04:57:24 +0000

I have a friend who has rather protective parents. She’s not allowed to walk my dog with me in my neighborhood, for fear that she could be abducted. On the other hand, I have a friend who is terrified of being kindapped, for the simple reason that she’s been nearly abducted thrice by three separate people. Are parents too paranoid? Yes. Is there some reason to be paranoid? Yes. Moderation in all things is the key here. Personally, I will continue to organize swordplay matches between the kids on my street while keeping an eye on my little sister, and jousting with my babysitting charges while making sure that baby is in a safe place, well-occupied.

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By: Bianca

Bianca — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:00:48 +0000

33 – so true. It breaks my heart when I think of little Adam’s (or any child) last moments scared and alone with a pervert. If your child dies from an illness, you can at least hold him. But when you can’t even get to him because some pervert has him… my goodness the grace a parent would have to be given to get through that kind of tragedy. God can give that grace and does, but what suffering. I can’t imagine it.

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By: Ree

Ree — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:37:05 +0000

Life is dangerous. Any of us can be struck down at any time, any place, by any mishap. A disease, a stray bullet, violence from a stranger or a loved one. None of us is safe.

This is true, but as horrible as the thought is of one of my children dying young from a disease or from a stray bullet, it’s far more bearable than the thought of one of them being abducted, sexually molested, and murdered. Still, I never raised them to be fearful of strangers. I’ve exercised what I believe to be reasonable caution, and by the grace of God, nothing horrible has happened to them.

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By: hrw

hrw — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 02:47:15 +0000

too much of a good thing

we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Fear is being used to erode liberty and increase the likelihood people will accept limits on their freedom. The ploy succeeds and will succeed even more in the future as children who grew up in fear will become adults.

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By: Random Name

Random Name — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 02:38:43 +0000

Life is dangerous. Any of us can be struck down at any time, any place, by any mishap. A disease, a stray bullet, violence from a stranger or a loved one. None of us is safe. My daughter had a bizarre, very rare, medical condition which struck suddenly when she was 14. She was treated and survived. She was mugged on a London street when she was in college. She broke free and got away.

An aunt-in-law of mine was murdered when I was young. My wife and I took a furniture making class 45 years ago. Another young couple in the class had a toddler kidnapped and murdered, similar to the Adam Walsh story.

Everyone of my four siblings and my wife’s four siblings have survived fine to a fairly ripe old age.

Some places are more dangerous than others. Somalia and Sudan are like something out of Mad Max. Imagine living in Iraq (now “safer”) or Afghanistan. We worry about Mexicans sneaking across our border and the threat to our way of life. What about Tijuana and other border areas of lawless Mexico, where anybody can be kidnapped, killed, tortured, raped at any time by narco-terrorists and creatures that can hardly be called human?

Most of the comments in this thread are fairly sensible about children. The mommies try to hit a reasonable balance with our granddaughter between safety and security and between teaching her to be watchful and careful and letting her be a normal, carefree child. She doesn’t wander the streets with the casual freedom my wife and I did as children. On the other hand, the mommies live in a friendly, diverse, multi-racial urban neighborhood where most of the people know each other and keep an eye out for each other.

By the way, watch out for the meteoroid 3 light years or so away. Also, while you weren’t looking, bird flu popped again in China. Who remembers 1919? My wife and I are getting chickens and ducks next year.

More than 370,000 chickens have been culled in China’s eastern province of Jiangsu after an outbreak of the H5N1 strain of bird flu, say officials.

The outbreak is thought to be the first in mainland China since June.

Meanwhile, a man has reportedly contracted the virus in Cambodia, while Taiwan is investigating suspected infection among birds.

The death of a teenage girl from H5N1 was announced in Egypt on Tuesday, and a bird cull is also under way in India.

More than 200 people in a dozen countries have died of the virus since it resurfaced in Asia in 2003, say global health authorities.

BBC news

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By: Pauline

Pauline — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:27:44 +0000

Cheryl D,
I think the advice given to our younger son in school and Cub Scouts is much more along the lines of what you have said. When our older son was about 4 or 5, I had him with me in the grocery store one day, and when the clerk asked him how he was doing, he refused to answer. Later he explained that she was a stranger so he couldn’t talk to her. So I helped him understand that as long as he was with a trusted adult it was OK.

When we went through the Cub Scout safety training we talked about specific scenarios. What if a stranger tells you Mom sent him to get you? What if he asks you to help him find a lost pet? What if someone in a public restroom asks you to take your pants down? And we also went over the situations where it was OK to talk to a stranger, because he was with a parent or teacher or some other adult he already knew and trusted.

I did wonder if I’d done the right thing, one time when I let someone I didn’t know take him to school. I had just been in an accident while taking him to school, and the person who pulled over to make sure we were OK said he worked at the school and could take him so he didn’t have to wait with me till the police came. I recognized the security badge he was wearing (one of those cards you swipe to have the door open) as that of school district employees, and decided that was reasonable enough evidence he was who he said he was. I figured if I refused to let my son go with him it would be reinforcing the wrong kind of fear of strangers to my son.

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By: Cheryl D.

Cheryl D. — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:55:03 +0000

I do think there’s a difference in a neighborhood with lots of kids and lots of mothers at home, and one that’s virtually empty. That said, there are many good reasons for giving kids a bit more freedom than they usually have today. (Some of these come from a book that seems to handle this subject with great wisdom–I believe it’s called Protecting the Gift, but I can’t find it on my shelf to verify that–and some are from my own observation. Keep in mind, as I’m sure I’ll soon be reminded, that I’m not a parent.)

First, this author said the dumbest advice ever given to kids is, “If you’re lost, find a cop.” First, cops aren’t that common; second, kids can’t tell the difference between a cop and a security guard, and security guards are frequently ex-cons and high on the list of murderers–the very last person you want your child seeking out when he’s lost. He says don’t tell lost kids to find a cop, tell them to find a woman–nearly any woman will take the time to drop everything and make sure this kid is safe. A man can’t do so as readily (because our society is nervous about men and children), but many times I’ve stopped just to be sure that a “loose” kid has a parent around; I’d certainly pay attention if a kid came to me asking for help.

Now, some reasons that “stranger-danger” fear hurts kids, and that overall it has done more harm than it’s worth:

-Studies have shown that the training doesn’t even work. Kids who’ve been trained very carefully will still go with a stranger to find a lost puppy, even if they’re specifically warned of that specific lure. (The book reported on a specific study that tested this; mothers walked with open mouths as their well-trained children took the stranger’s bait.) It’s far better to train kids in discernment about talking to strangers (let them practice, within the parents’ view, finding a safe person of whom to ask a question) than to simply tell them the blatantly false, “Strangers are dangerous.”

-Kids’ social skills, confidence, and discernment are all hampered if they believe the stranger-danger line. If they don’t believe it, if their gregariousness overcomes adult cautions, then they’re constantly being nagged to rein in their friendly impulses.

-Kids who don’t have good social skills with adults are hampered as they head into the workplace. Their respect for authority is also going to be limited, if the message they’ve gotten from infancy is “Adults (esp. male adults) are dangerous.”

-Kids who veer away from adults out of fear are more peer-dependent . . . a more real danger, and of legitimate concern to Christian parents, than the mild danger of stranger abduction.

-Most abductions (and molestations and other crimes against children) are committed by people known by the child. Focusing on strangers is quite simply focusing on the wrong place. Focus on what actions are inappropriate, not what people are.

I remember being told as a child, “Virtually any child can outrun any adult. If you need to get away from someone, just run–he cannot catch you.” And my mom told me she would never, never send anyone to my school to pick me up unless she’d told me ahead of time she was doing so, with the exceptions of these specific people: my next-door neighbor and my older brothers. Anyone else who said Mom had sent him, no matter what the story or how well I knew the person, was lying. If she absolutely had to send someone to my school to pick me up, she’d send one of these people. I also was to stay where I was (and not seek my parents) if I ever found myself separated from them in the store–they would find me. A few basic rules like this are wise. “Don’t talk to strangers” is simply useless, and breeds distrustful children.

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By: Sawgunner

Sawgunner — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:47:11 +0000

Otis Toole– the confessed killer of little Adam Walsh–was a homosexual partner to another serial killer drifter named Henry Lee Lucas. No one is equating these men with mainstream homosexuals although the boundary between the two could blur. A legal adult homosexual in the right setting could easily become involved with one of his charges. But the point to made here is the homo is no total stranger to the child as Toole was to young Adam. Toole said he lured the child out of the store with a promise of candy out in his car.
My understanding was Adam’s mother had taken him to a Sears and said something like “Now you wait here by the ? while I go look at XYZ.” Youngsters have such a poor time concept to start with and I dont know if Adam even knew how to tell time or had a watch. I dont know anyone today who would let a single child at Adam’s age stay put without some sort of threat (stay here or else!)And heaven forfend if the child should have to go to the potty with a parent nowhere around.
As a father I’ve always hated having to take my daughters into any public restroom, but again its best to be safe.
I’ve never heard of any child abductor’s being women.

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By: TRS

TRS — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:24:05 +0000

Arcadia,

I haven’t yet read the whole thread, but I think you’re 100% right. Stranger abduction is SO unusual, that it still gets on the national news. We do have a generation of paranoid, frightened parents and children. There are NO more abductions statistically than there were in the past, but we HEAR about them now, and people think an abductor is hiding behind every bush.

Problem is, I find myself included in the “paranoid and frightened.” I KNOW that the likelihood of such an abduction with only a small amount of training and care is VERY unlikely. BUT, if it were to happen, would I ever forgive myself?

I let my kids play around my neighborhood unsupervised barring keeping an “ear” out and asking them to check in once in awhile. I have a friend who is beyond APPALLED at this. She thinks my kids are in mortal danger.

But, my kids don’t just get on their bikes and say “bye” until the end of the day as my brother did or as my parents did. I am very careful with them compared to many others, and most people would actually call me over-protective.

I figure as long as I am “balancing” in the middle, I am probably being more-or-less reasonable.

I don’t know how to put the Genie back into the bottle. I think that John Walsh did a lot of good, but — as Arcadia said — too much of a good thing. The changes in police departments were wonderful. Many other changes have done a lot of good.

But, the virtual “prisons” many of us have created for our kids because “better safe than sorry” has most definitely created a generation of fat, fearful, never unsupervised for a second kids.

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