Okay: I couldn’t find anything on urban-legend-busting Snopes.com about the letter below. And I can’t seem to track down its origins, whether it was, as purported, written by an American law student named John J. Wall…or not.

No matter where it came from, though, it’s funny. First read the letter, then let’s have some fun with it.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values… You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find..You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World. We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

To quote Larry the Cable Guy, “I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.”

So, just for fun, let’s convene today the official WMB American Divorce Mediation Panel.

This is a game. I repeat: This is only a game.

Here’s how we’ll do it: John J. Wall has done some initial dividing of our national assets and I propose that we complete the job. Here are the rules:

1. For the purposes of our panel, if you are a WMB conservative, you are on the Red Team. If you are a WMB liberal, you are on the Blue Team.

2. The only comments allowed on this thread will be formatted like so:

“Red: We’ll take Larry the Cable Guy.”

“Blue: We’ll take Larry Flynt.”

The first team to claim a person, place, thing, or idea becomes its temporary owner (no fair saying stuff like, we claim North America and everthing in it.) (!!)

3. You may propose trades and make counter-offers, like so:

“The Red Team will give the Blue Team Arlen Specter and both Dakotas for Alec Baldwin (We hate his politics, but he is pretty darn funny.)”

Persons, places, things, and ideas mentioned in John J. Wall’s initial separation agreement are also subject to trading.

4. Ratifying or defeating trades and counter-offers. 

Any member of either team can propose a trade or counter-offer, but three members of the team receiving either a trade proposal or counter-offer must vote “Aye!” to ratify said trade or counter-offer. However, if three members of the receiving team vote “Nay” before three “Ayes” occur, that proposal or counter-offer dies a speedy death and may not be raised again without alterations.

5. Since I made the rules, I get to make new ones upon my slightest whim.

Remember, this is supposed to be lighthearted and fun. No insults or sarcasm! :)