“Yes” means “maybe”
My daughter had a birthday party a couple of weeks ago for her 4-year-old. She sent out invitations to 22 adults and 15 children, with an RSVP phone number. She received no replies.
It just so happens that the previous day I had coffee with a young woman who is in charge of putting together functions for the local seminary community. She told me, “People don’t RSVP anymore.” Jacki learned when she sent out digital invitations with those little boxes to mark “yes,” “maybe,” or “no” that nowadays “yes” means “maybe,” and “maybe” means “no.” This would be a good tip to include in a primer for foreigners immigrating to the United States from more civilized countries, along with other necessary code-breaking tidbits, such as the proper American interpretation of “Let’s do lunch.”
The psychology of deadbeat RSVPers is speculative. It could be that no one wants to be first to say yes to a venture. Or perhaps we are keeping our options open for a better offer. Hey, life is a smorgasbord. But a sinking tide lowers all boats. And the more that people don’t RSVP, the more an atmosphere is created where people don’t RSVP.
Meanwhile, back at the truth, Jesus says “Let your yes be yes” (Matthew 5:37). And King David, in the Spirit, says that the kind of person God loves is the one “who swears to his own hurt and does not change” (Psalm 15:4).
My daughter, not knowing who would show up, baked way too many cupcakes, which have boomeranged here and now sit on my kitchen table. Would you like some with me? RSVP by tonight or they may be gone.
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back to top26 Comments to ““Yes” means “maybe””
I’d love to join you, but I’m on call today and I probably shouldn’t leave town, so put me down for “maybe.”
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Put me down for a definite maybe, I’ll surely be there unless something comes up.
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Can I take some cupcakes home? Greatgrandson loves cupcakes.
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Usually I send out about ten invitations to my son’s July birthday party, and three or four children come (the mothers of the ones who come do RSVP, and maybe one or two of the others let me know they can’t come). Last year we only got two children, so this year, before the end of school, I send invitations to his entire class (20 other children). So far, no one has called or emailed, though I saw one mother in person who said they’d be out of town.
I do sometimes delay before RSVP-ing because I don’t know our own plans yet, especially during the summer. The party is three weeks from tomorrow, so I’m still hoping to get some replies. I’ll at least contact the families I know personally (one girl always comes, she likes my son, and her mom knows I give creative parties).
Personally I hate telephones, so picking up the phone to RSVP is a struggle for me, especially if it’s someone I don’t know well or at all. I gave my email address as well as phone # this year in case someone else like me would rather RSVP by email. So far it’s not working…
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My daughters have run into this problem, also, with children’s birthday parties. It is getting harder and harder to be in contact with other parents. Schools cannot give out any information and many will not allow students to hand out any invitations. When you do send out invitations, parents do not respond or it is the maybe or a no show.
It would seem the perfect time to come and check out another family, since you generally bring your child and can speak to the parent ahead of time. You can also stay and observe for awhile or through the whole time.
Both my daughters who live in places with no relatives or community roots have been very frustrated by this. Both have been burnt with birthdays where no one has come and they have had very disappointed children. I’m not sure if it is busy families with moms working and all the activities, fear of people you don’t know well, or just plain rudeness.
I hate phoning myself, but when I consider someone before myself, I have to do it.
My daughters have had to change their expectations and tailor their parties to fit todays attitude. They remember a lot of fun parties with classmates and friends and wanted that memory for their own children. Things seem not to be that way any more. They have found that parties at neutral places: bowling, jumping activity places, restaurants yield more children. That is kind of sad. Are homes not cool enough anymore?
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I used to have a very difficult time with making the RSVP call, it has become easier with age. I have also learned to generally say “no” as either things come up that other family members have to do or I forget and I do prefer my yes to be yes and my no, no.
We never send out RSVP’s. We invite and whoever shows up, shows up. We never do children’s birthday parties. We do do family parties.
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RSVPs used to require an evelope and and a stamp. Now that we have six different electronic ways to respond in seconds, it is interesting that we don’t.
It used to be you had to talk to other parents when your kids got together with thier friends, now each kid has his own cell and the parents don’t talk to each other as much.
Tele-communications is ruining our, uh, communications.
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We had a party for our daughter in June who graduated high school this May. We didn’t ask people to R(espondez) S(’il) V(ous) P(lait) on the paper invitations, but my daughter did request a reply when she invited on Facebook. As in your daughter’s case, many who indicated “maybe” were no-shows, but many who marked “yes” were no-shows too. As a result, we prepared wa-a-ay too much food. My wife makes the best scotcheroos, and made over 200 of them for this party (I know, I “got” to cut them). She made other, less familiar, yet quite tasty desserts, and also had dessert contributions from family and friends who wanted to help. We didn’t even get the scotcheroos out which seemed, in my family, as though we saved the best for last and then didn’t use it. Too bad we can’t do parties like the banquet at the wedding at Cana. No replies would be necessary, just invitations, and we had lots of water left too.
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I’d love to do family parties if there were enough family around to have a party my son would enjoy. He loves games and pretend, and it’s hard to get 17yo big brother and 45yo Dad to join in. We do the cake and candles as a family, but my son wants to have more of a party than that.
It was easier when he was little, and Grandpa lived with us. Anything could be a party with Grandpa around. But he died four years ago, and the closest other relatives live six hours away.
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I don’t know about children’s parties. But for adult parties, nothing beats lunch and party after church. I get all my attendees from church. Since I see them there I can ask personally if they’re coming.
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What I meant by family parties is we invite families to join us, not related. Generally from church but also neighbors or work partners.
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By doing 11, the children learn to talk with and interact with folk of all ages.
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Mumsee – Nice idea! (If you have the room for it.)
When I was growing up, we did not live near family, but even so we usually just had a birthday celebration with the 4 of us.
I did have a big party with friends & classmates when I turned 9. I think that was because we’d moved to that town several months earlier, & Mom thought this would help me make more friends.
I saw a “Wife Swap” episode where the parents just had one birthday party for all 4 kids at once, although their birthdays were not all near each other. The parents just wanted to “get it over” & not be bothered with the other parties or celebrations. Very sad.
(I think they saw the error of their ways by the end of the show, which made the kids happy.)
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My parents never had birthday parties for me. We never had any company in our home except the handicapped people they helped in their volunteer work. I didn’t enjoy the parties I was invited to at other children’s homes, as I preferred being with adults to being with my peers. So I didn’t really mind not having parties, but it would have been nice to have a little more recognition of a special day for me than just getting to pick what we ate for dinner that night, and a cake if my sister and I chose to bake one.
That’s no doubt part of why I always have had parties for my sons, until they get old enough not to want them. (My older son had his last party at about age 10, my younger son will be 10 in July but he is very different and may want parties in future years also.) I don’t spend a lot of money, but I enjoy being creative in planning the food, decorations, and games. This year it’s a “wizard” party, and as I can’t afford to hire a professional magician (my husband actually wanted me to try to if it didn’t cost too much, but now that he has no job anything will cost too much), so I need to practice my own small store of magic tricks.
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My growing up family was a no party family, we got to select the meal and have cake and ice cream. But one year I decided to invite a friend to my party. Boy were my parents surprised. She walked home from school with me and we played and ate dinner and the folks took her home. Around fourth grade, I never did that again! I liked the family recognition better.
To do the family party thing, we just throw out an open invitation, say we will provide the burgers and they bring what they want to add to the feast. Who shows up shows up. To do that of course, you cannot care what your house looks like before or after. We have such an event (kind of an annual thing) planned for tomorrow but I will miss it. The family will carry on.
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We’ve given out an open invitation for July 4 and Labor Day in years past (offering burgers and hot dogs), and have had no one show up. Everyone has their own family to spend the holidays with. (Except us, since we moved away for my husband to accept a call to pastor a church in the midwest.)
A number of families go away weekends throughout the summer as well. Some have family who live out in the country (which isn’t very far from in town, around here), or they have campers that they keep parked at a campground all summer. Last year someone suggested I could give my son a “half-birthday” party instead because during the school year families are less likely to go out of town. But in December when I’d have to be planning it (for January), everyone (including me) is busy with the holidays.
I won’t have cupcakes (but I do plan to make magic wands made from pretzel rods), but if you’re in Muscatine on July 25 feel free to join us!
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When I had my birthday party a couple months ago, I waited two weeks for my friends to RSVP (only two did) and then just called them and asked. Is that terribly rude?
What state is Muscatine in, Pauline? Just curious, I’m afraid I won’t be able to attend.
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eastern Iowa, near the Quad Cities
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I have had two birthday parties in my life, when I turned eight and when I turned thirty. (For the second, I told a friend I’d looked forward to 30 all my life, and would like a party, and she gave me one.)
I had one friend in Chicago who had three girls (and, after I moved away, a boy), and she had a party for each child every year. The children’s friends came with their parents, and all the local relatives came. Several of the relatives brought gifts not only for the birthday child, but for each of her sisters. I didn’t know anybody there but my friend and her kids, all of whom were busy with other people / activities, and I really hated to see the kids get so spoiled with so many gifts each year. (One literally couldn’t walk into their bedroom without walking across toys the whole way. The bedroom literally had toys a foot high from wall to wall.) I tried to go to a different kid’s party each year, but I made no attempt ever to go to all of them. There seemed some great immoderation there, and they were pretty lonely events for the only childless adult in the room. But since she invited me in spite of my not being a relative and not having any children of my own, I went to a few of them just to stay connected in her children’s lives. And yes, I always RSVPd either way.
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Pauline – Thanks for the invitation, but I won’t be able to make it.
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July 25 RSVP: Thank you but no, I will not be coming. Prior plans (like eating) preclude putting out the money for the travel to get there. Otherwise, it might have worked if we are not camping then. Enoy!
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Karen, I agree with you about the moderation. Some families just go way overboard. A little imagination works wonders when determining how to celebrate.
One year our local school gave each of the children a free pass on a tourist train. That year we took my daughter and one of her friends to one of the little towns on the line. Her parents were delighted that we did so and allowed her to use her free pass. My husband and I enjoyed the trip as much as the two girls.
Children vary and different ages require different ideas, but there is a lot out there to do, whatever you do to celebrate and it doesn’t all have to be costly.
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Two years ago, using an idea from people here on the blog, I requested children each bring a book for a book exchange at the party, instead of a present for my son. The other mothers thought it was a great idea. But two of the guests (out of the three who came) also brought a gift for my son, as apparently they couldn’t bear not to bring him one. And that seemed to defeat the purpose of the idea. (Since so few guests come, my son is hardly burdened with a load of gifts, and one is always a gift certificate, so I can influence his choice of how to spend it.)
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Our lives today seem to be tainted by inconsideration on all levels, and on behalf of all the “no-shows” I apologize to your daughter. It must have been very disappointing to her, and you, Andrée. This is the “me generation” in which little is more important to us than our own pleasure and satisfaction, with little regard to the feelings of others.
We don’t have the greatest church in the country but I am continually amazed at how casually our members take responsibility for worship on Sunday. Jesus said, “Could you not have kept awake for one hour?” and I say, “Could you not have given a little time to hear and contemplate the teaching from God’s word?”
Please tell your daughter (and I trust you come back and read these threads once in awhile) that we are a selfish, inconsiderate people, but she is not to be that way. She is to receive her guidance from a higher source than today’s (un)popular culture and she will look to you as her example. I would be overjoyed to be a guest at your table with you, your daughter and granddaughter but I live nearly 2,000 miles away and I cannot come. (My! that sounds awfully biblical.)
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King David, in the Spirit, says that the kind of person God loves is the one “who swears to his own hurt and does not change” (Psalm 15:4). Gee, that “hurts!”
I am horrible at responding to RSVPs just because of my hesitancy about commiting to something I’m just not sure I’ll be wanting to go to when the event comes around. But I realize how horribly noncomital that seems and rather selfish.
And that reminds me, I have to RSVP for an event next Saturday. Ooh, better call today!
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My mother often gave me Birthday parties, I remember a surprise party with about 20 children when I was 7 – another party when I was 10, mom invited my entire class at school (girls only) and my Sunday school class – then another surprise party, ’sweet sixteen’ and many others. We always had a family dinner on each family member’s Birthday every year, inviting special adult friends of the family.
My parents loved to have gatherings and my mom loved to cook and decorate, so our home was often busy.
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