Baby and Daddy … or Baby and Sitter?
Over close to my neighborhood, the Prospect Park Y.M.C.A. is changing the name of a class to make fathers more welcome. It used to be “Mommy and Baby.” Now it’s “Parent and Baby.” Maybe not quite the same ring, but the teacher said more and more dads are coming — from just a couple uncomfortable dads at the end of last year to about a third of the class.
The change appears to be the result of several factors: the economic downturn, a generational attitude shift concerning fathering, and a neighborhood where many residents have jobs with flexible schedules, some of which allow work from home.
It reminded me of another column I read a couple weeks ago, in which a young father argued that we need to start changing the language of parenthood. He actually describes going to a “Mommy and Me” class as the only dad, the “Daddy Day Care” jokes, and the realization that, “As a society, we often talk about fathers as less than full partners in the parental relationship.”
The roles that a mother plays in the lives of her children are so integral that to refer to her using language that suggests an occasional, casual participant in the child’s rearing would be, at best, dismissive, and, at worst, offensive. So why isn’t the same true for fathers? Our lexicon for describing what fathers actually do is limited at best: “mothering” is the standard description of what we need when we want to be comforted; “fathering” is a word, just not one I’ve ever heard anyone actually use. …
Despite its obviousness, it bears mention: language matters. Language not only reflects our attitudes and our cultural mores, but it also shapes them. All too often, the language we use to describe fathers and the roles they play suggests bit players in our children’s lives. From we way that we talk about them, it’s clear that fathers aren’t yet entirely welcome in the spaces and communities where we congregate as parents, whether in the real world or online.
Have you seen the recession prompting dads to take a more active role in childcare? And what do you make of this parenting language that seems to diminish a dad’s role?




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back to top22 Comments to “Baby and Daddy … or Baby and Sitter?”
There was a couple whose son was in my son’s class. He’s a truck driver and She’s a CPA. during tax season he was more likely to be there for parties and field trips then she was.
A big exception is sports. In Little League the dads are in charge and the moms just bring snacks.
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Canaadian gov’t run unemployment insurance allows for paternal leave and maternity leave. In a traditional sense, this allows for a one year paid leave for the mother. However, the leave is broken down as six months paternal and six months maternity, the latter for the birth mother only. Since my wife wasn’t entitled to any paid leave (she wasn’t working prior to pregnancy), I took three months off (plus the usual summer holidays as a teacher). Eleven years ago this raised a few eyebrows since the paternal leave option was fairly new, however, its become fairly commonplace and if the mother has the better paying job she usually returns after six months and then the father takes six months off. Thus, the “Mommy and Me” groups usually have a male component.
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What the heck, I’ll take the contrarian line:
The proposed changes (e.g., “parenting” for “mothering”), far from elevating fatherhood, diminish it by diminishing its uniqueness. Motherhood and fatherhood are very different things. “Parenting” is what you do when you’re planning the college fund. “Mothering” is what she does during a thunderstorm. “Fathering” is playing catch and trying to explain the vagaries of the opposite sex.
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I read some where that a boy belongs to his mother for the first six years or so and his father from about 6 to 14.
I had a very involved father, despite his often having to work two jobs. I think the uninvolved father of the past few years is what’s new. A result of feminist thinking they could do it all and that the children were theirs only. This seems like we’re just getting back to where we belong.
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Anything that gets more Dads involved is a good thing
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Actually, “fathering” is usually used only of conception (someone “fathered a child”). And dads who care for their children are said to be “babysitting.” We definitely do need more respect for fathers . . . but NOT at the expense of seeing how important mothers are in the early years. I don’t like this growing trend toward mothers working, nor do I like the growing trend toward fathers being stay-at-home dads. Men and women aren’t interchangeable.
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“Men and women aren’t interchangeable”
On a gut level I accept that, but as a soldier in the army of 21st Century USA I’m not permitted to say or believe this quote.
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Well, we’re expecting around September 1st. Both of us work full time – I at a bank, and my wife for the FWS, having just finished her masters.
So our game plan right now, rather than day care 5 days/week, is we will both work four ten-hour days/week. Each of us then gets a day a week as the “stay at home” parent.
This is not “babysitting” for either of us. I’ll be comforting her when frightened just as mom will, and she’ll be playing catch and kicking around the soccer ball, just as I will {well, when baby girl gets a little older, anyway}.
We take turns with older daughter vying for the much-desired parent chaperone position on field trips. The FUN part of parenting!
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Roy clay, we did a staggered shift when our son was small. We weren’t able to keep him out of day care altogether, but we only had to keep him there for a few hours a day.
The down side is it is almost like being two single parents. There is no backup when you are sick or relief to get anything else done. You find out that you are setting two different standards of behavior for the child. (Three if you add day care) and our biggest arguments were over bedtime. I wanted an early bedtime so I could get a little rest before I had to get up early and go to work, he wanted a late bedtime so he could get a little more sleep in the morning. I don’t know If I would do it again. We’re still paying for the bedtime thing.
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As an experienced babysitter and older sister, I can safely say that KBells is absolutely right, Mr. Clay. Consistancy is the most important thing when parents are in a situation like yours.
Back on the subject; two instances come to mind. A family I babysit for has two young children, one about six months old and the other two years. Their dad makes time to play with them at least one day a week, and takes an active role in their lives, and I love that. So many other families, even church families, make “dad” seem like a distant role.
In a completely unrelated instance, my math teacher, Mr. Mays, comes to mind. Next year, he is officially becoming Mr. Mom. His wife’s job pays better, and he figured out (in true math teacher style) that with the cost of daycare and gas, he would be making $.25 an hour with the teaching job.
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“Fathering” is …trying to explain the vagaries of the opposite sex.
Hey, Stubob, when you figure that out can you pass that info along to the rest of us?
Well, maybe all of us except Chas. As long as he’s been married, he’s probably figured it out by now.
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Kbells and OT,
Thanks. We definitely found that to be true with our eldest. Children are very skillful and adept at finding and expoiting inconsistencies between mom and dad. We found communication with each other, and with day care, to be essential.
Laughing about your math teacher. I am contemplating a career change to physics teaching, which will involve a substantial pay cut. However, summers “off” will work well….
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I see nobody wants to take on a paid maternity/paternity leave program. BTW its not pay as you go but rather financed through payroll premiums (much like workplace health benefits are financed)
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Son-in-law #2 stayed home for almost a year after birth of son until he got a firefighter job. Supported by engineer daughter.
Current close male semi-relative presently staying home indefinitely when wife’s maternity leave ends this week. She’s a contract admin making over 100K and likely to start her own firm later this year. He’s a very, very good, but overly choosy custom builder. Not much to choose from these days!Does some roofing when he feels like it.
Son-in-law #3 anticipating being laid off once the FDIC gets around to closing his bank. Daughter/marriage counselor will support even if he goes back to school for teaching certificate (what he always wanted to do anyway).
Women in the workforce is by far the biggest social change in this country within my lifetime. Generally I think it has depressed wages, but slightly increased household income.
The best thing “family values” conservatives could do is push for a Euro-style child raising subsidy. Or at least paid FMLA.
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HRW, who pays for it?
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Opinionated Teen – did the math teacher figure in the hit to his pension? Just curious. Many public pension plans are defined benefit plans that pay out at a percentage of the FINAL salary one earns, with the percentage coming at steps (say 1.5 to 2.5%) per year worked.
Men have been aggressively devalued in US culture for a long time, many of us are sort of used to it by now.
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KRM,
Good question! You’d have to do a full discounted stream of earnings and pensions for both him and his wife, and bring in actuarial tables estimating their future life spans and years of pensions and of course other benefits as well. Could get pretty hairy!
But surely you don’t think he’s devalued because his wife earns more in her career than a teacher does? You aren’t saying being a stay-at-home dad is less valuable than being a work out of the home mom, are you??
I feel waaay more valuable the days I am a stay-at-home dad, than when I am in the office.
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15
Its financed through the Employment Insurance program which is funded through payroll deductions in the same way private health insurance is. The funds are then invested in whats considered safe; T-bills, bonds, utilities, etc. Currently it runs a surplus. Its not pay as you go (neither is the Canada Pension Plan) which seems to be the problem in the US.
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I have stereotypical viewpoint on the roles in parenting. They are tempered by the fact that most of the ‘chores’ can be done by male or female. I would in general say that the father should be the one to teach the kids how to tie their shoes, how to ride bicycles, how to shoot a rifle or pistol, how to fly the plane, and how to make geldings. That being said, my first ground school was taught by a woman, and I would go with anyone for a flight no matter who was piloting the plane. I have been aloft with many a ninety nine.
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My sister is a teacher and she took maternity leave from December 1977 through 1981. Then they asked her if she was ever coming back, and since she didn’t want to leave her kids until the youngest was in all day school, she gave up her tenure and started all over again a few years later, but all her time counts with the pension in NJ. All she had to do was get tenure again.
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but all her time counts with the pension in NJ.
Did she continue to pay into the pension fund? If not, its a very generous plan.
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Umm……..You kind of lost me, KRM. Being a teenager and therefore not savvy on such subjects as tenures and pensions, I haven’t the slightest idea. However, it seemed to me that Mrs. Mays’ job payed well enough that both Mr. Mays and his wife should have a comfortable retirement, even if he never goes back to work. But I think he will. He seemed to enjoy teaching us.
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