The self-esteem myth
The theory that promoting self-esteem in children provides wide-ranging benefits has been debunked. Again.
A new book, NurtureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, takes a look at a variety of recent findings about child development. Among them is evidence that teaching self-esteem doesn’t do children any good whatsoever.
Americans seem eager to embrace fads when it comes to child rearing, and the self-esteem fad was among the hottest. It became all the rage in schools, with California even establishing a self-esteem task force. In the elementary grades, my children recounted exercises they were asked to participate in during “Life Skills” class. My son, for instance, recalls his teacher asking each child in turn to tell the class one thing at which he excelled. For him, and undoubtedly for many other children, it didn’t ring true.
According to the book, the latest findings show that having high self-esteem doesn’t improve kids’ grades, enhance their social skills, or deter them from drinking alcohol.
To me it’s another argument that schools should stick to the basics and stay out of the business of group psychology. Imagine the money, time, and energy wasted on the futile effort to help children by teaching them to feel good about themselves.
I know that Christianity is more complicated than the simple but profound fact that God loves each of us perfectly. But I’ve often thought that if we could know that—deep down, every moment—it would be the cure for our insecurities and the negative thoughts and actions they breed. The knowledge of God’s love and the desire to love Him in return: Now there’s something worth fostering in children. And loving others—loving one’s neighbor as oneself—is surely a more worthy goal for all of us.

















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back to top27 Comments to “The self-esteem myth”
I was in a book store yesterday and vaguely caught the refrain from a song. The words were: “Live like you’re loved.” And all of us are!
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Teaching self-esteem is one of those things, like teaching “how to be happy,” that doesn’t work as the focus of attention. People learn to take pride in what they do well by doing it. Teachers can help by taking note of what students do well and praising them – and being careful how they express correction for students who are not doing well, so that the focus is on the behavior that needs to change and not the student being stupid or worthless.
Teachers can also be on the lookout for things a student does well that often don’t get noticed. And as the teacher is getting to know students, there’s nothing wrong with asking each for something he does well (I wouldn’t use the word “excel”), because that can lead to opportunities later to incorporate that ability into activities or discussions. But that needs to come in the context of learning other things, not a special time just to sit and talk about self-esteem.
The parents have to be the primary teachers in this regard, though, because they see all aspects of their kids, not just what they do in school. Because there’s a lot more to life than getting good grades or excelling on the sports field.
I thought, growing up, that I had good self-esteem, because I knew I was really smart and I always got good grades and awards. (Though my parents never seemed to care about my grades, they just took them for granted and weren’t interested in hearing how well I did.) It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that my sense of self-worth was wrapped up purely in getting good grades. Once I got out of school, I felt lost without the constant positive reinforcement of test scores and report cards.
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Self confidence is better taught by teaching kids to help others. Self esteem is thinking of oneself as more important than others, esteeming one’s self to be higher than others, thereby teaching them that their own needs or wants should be met prior to or rather than other’s needs. In my opinion.
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I think self-esteem, like happiness, is a by-product of circumstances. Teaching high self-esteem is like putting the horse before the cart. I wonder how children subjected to this fallacy will adjust to the real world.
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That’s a good point Mumsee. In his book Thou Shalt Prosper, Rabbi Daniel Lapin makes the case that it is damaging to teach self-esteem. It’s better to teach confidence and competence. It’s been a few years since I read the book, but it was interesting to view both the individual and business development from the Jewish perspective. I’m going to have to dig the book out now and re-read it!
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Self-esteem sessions in public schools are a meager substitute for important components of esteem, such as stability and long term relationships. A pep rally is abstracted from the process of development over years.
But traditional protestant shame is the wrong alternative. We know where that leads.
Students learn self-esteem by esteeming others in a continuing community. Pupils should remain together in the same class from K-8 grade, watching each other grow, observing differential traits and talents, and participating in each other’s education. You might be terrible at math in 4th grade but the best girl in your class by the 8th. It makes no sense to draw conclusions about your performance at one moment in time.
Instead of self-esteem, I’d teach the importance of personal freedom and development, and the dependence of these on healthy social environment.
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I’ve known and heard about too many kids who did well in high school. They then went off to a college anticipating it would be the 13th grade.
It wasnt. They went from being exceptional among peers (big fish in small pond) to being one of several hundred such bright kids and it tended to deflate ego and pride. Contrast that with the young men who come out of the USMC’s crucible week (or even USAF boot camp’s Warrior Week).
I tend to believe self-esteem can be caught not taught. Being congratulated for slogging thru this or that when so many have failed or not even attempted it is a definite ego boost/esteem raiser. Fact is though, young elementary school kids do not deserve any such ego-boosting kudos
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Self esteem is probably one of the most UNORTHODOX Christian notions I can imagine. The traditional Christian view is to DESPISE oneself as a “sinner.”
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Just to clarify, Jon…In the Gospels, the Lord Jesus mentions several times to “love thy neighbor AS THYSELF”. This is repeated several times in the Epistles as well:
“For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour AS THYSELF.” (Ga 5:14)
“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even AS HIMSELF; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” (Eph 5:33)
“If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour AS THYSELF, ye do well: (Jas 2:8)
So, as you can see, believers actually don’t hate themselves, but are encouraged to love others as they love themeselves. (I would venture to say that most/all people love themselves to some extent.) To be a sinner is factual. However, God doesn’t despise me in my sin; He loves me.
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Conversely, JON, punishment is the axis on which the moral universe turns. Christians are reluctant to say it, but the central transaction of history makes them more likely to insist upon punishment, or the threat of punishment, than to dispense with punishment. Love and grace are the selling points, but God holds you like some loathsome insect over the fire.
Up to date Evangelicals understand rationally that punishment might not work as well as behavioral conditioning to extinguish inappropriate behavior and reward alternative incompatible behavior. But punishment is indispensable in teaching you children they are Bad and headed for the Big House.
Christian conservatives aren’t stupid, and their opposition to anything connected to John Dewey and beyond is infallible.
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Pragmatism — If people know God loves them then people will have self-esteem.
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I guess part of this is how we define self-esteem. Mumsee defines it as “thinking of oneself as more important than others, esteeming one’s self to be higher than others, thereby teaching them that their own needs or wants should be met prior to or rather than other’s needs.” I have never thought of it that way. What Mumsee describes, I would identify as conceit or egotism.
One definition I found is “Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.” I see nothing to disagree with in the first part. When we use the word “worthy” we tend to start comparing ourselves to others, so I would want to reword that part, but at any rate I see no reason to consider ourselves unworthy of happiness, so that we feel guilty for feeling happy.
I used to think of myself as better than other people because I was smarter, but I did not feel competent to cope with the basic challenges of life. I was conceited, but I did not have good self-esteem. When I think of nurturing my children’s self-esteem, I want them to feel competent to face the challenges of life, rather than entering adulthood as scared and unready as I did.
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” Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than yourself.” Phil 2:3 NKJV. The best way to overcome a feeling of low self esteem.
Blessings
Roger
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#6 Interesting, but I, as a Catholic become Protestant, Have never felt shame. Remorse, yes, but hopefully all of us have felt that. If we do not, then we are not human, but simply animals whose only concern is to simply stay alive. Would you not agree? Answer?
Blessings
Roger
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Self-esteem is a typically effete product of the Boomer Age. My parents, of the Builder generation, rather taught me self-respect that insisted on good choices and was reiforced by those choices, along with the cross of Christ for all the inevitable bad choices. Law and grace, law and grace.
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Roger – I agree.
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Studies have shown that drug dealers have some of the highest self-esteem around. And children’s self-esteem has virtually nothing to do with their mastery of anything at all. I recently saw some papers written by grade-school students, fourth or fifth grade, about their hero. I only saw a few of the papers, and most were the expected “My father / grandfather / teacher is my hero.” One sad paper, grammatically horrific, proclaimed the child to be his own hero, and I thought some adults in his life have failed him badly in not helping him find more worthy ones!
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Some of the most neurotically insecure self hating people are the most successful. I am not saying this is healthy, just making an observation. I think successful folks who mentally torture themselves can understand that they can do the right thing and be successful without the mental negativity.
However, there are a lot of bums out there with very high self esteem who probably need a good kick in the pants or at least, perhaps to join the military when they turn 18.
Drill Sgts. haven’t bought into this self esteem hype.
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“In Christ” is the key.
“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Ro 8:38-39)
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But traditional protestant shame is the wrong alternative. We know where that leads.
*****Hm, where? To a prosperous country? A liberated country? Hard-work? Success? Better behavior?
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When I taught in public school in California, they actually made the teachers take a class with lessons and a book on teaching “self-esteem.” It was a HUGE waste of taxpayer money and teacher time.
Self-esteem (and I hugely prefer the term self-respect as written above), is EARNED it is not given.
You learn to better yourself. You learn to take pride in a job well-done. You grow from overcoming obstacles. You increase in competence by trying and trying, and getting back up after failure, dusting yourself off, and trying again. You grow as a person by serving others.
I read a study that said that American youngsters have the most self-esteem of any country’s youngsters, and yet we perform dismally in comparison. Self-esteem is not the answer.
Earned self-respect is.
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Marcia Segelstein wrote;
“To me it’s another argument that schools should stick to the basics and stay out of the business of group psychology. Imagine the money, time, and energy wasted on the futile effort to help children by teaching them to feel good about themselves.”
That may be one of the most profound paragraphs ever composed on this fine blog.
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I don’t mind anyone having self-esteem. What is eternally tragic and destructive forever is to side-step genuine repentance to get a cheap version of self-esteem.
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I recently ran across a good WEBsite titled; “What’s in it for Him.” The mission of this WEBsite is to “Help stop the ME addiction.”
Find it at: http://www.whatsinitforHim.com
It started as a conversation in a church pew. It’s biblical basis is at I Corinthians 8:6; “But we know that there is only one God, the Father, who created everything, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom God made everything and through whom we have been given life.” (NLT)
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“And loving others—loving one’s neighbor as oneself—is surely a more worthy goal for all of us.”
children must first see this demonstrated and then be given a place to succeed in doing it, otherwise you are just teaching them to be hypocrites
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#8 Jon “Self esteem is probably one of the most UNORTHODOX Christian notions I can imagine. The traditional Christian view is to DESPISE oneself as a “sinner.”
Not at all. The biblical view is:
The Christian perspective is opposed to a FALSE view of one’s self. Pride is thinking too highly. False humility is thinking too low. Actual humility is to face the truth soberly.
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What the self esteem movement has accomplished is to make a generation of underachievers feel good about themselves.
The joy of learning is not about making learning fun. The joy of learning is doing the hard work and actually learning something.
Children who feel bad about doing poorly should not be made to feel good about it. They should be helped to do better.
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