Adoption together with the black church
Being a black male puts you in one of the least desired categories of Americans, because “dark skin” and “negro dialect”—as Sen. Harry Reid suggested—can keep one from being embraced by mainstream America. What is worse is being a black male orphan born in America. According to a new study by the Centre for Economic Policy Research in Great Britain, African-American males are the least likely to be adopted. To reach that conclusion, economists analyzed specific data from an online adoption facilitator that assists child services agencies that deal with birth mothers and adoptive parents. The data, gathered from June 2004 to August 2009, cover more than 800 children who were available for adoption.
According to the report:
We show that adoptive parents exhibit significant biases in favor of girls and against African-American babies. A non-African-American baby relinquished for adoption attracts the interest of potential adoptive parents with probability 11.5% if it is a girl and 7.9% if it is a boy. As for race, a non-African-American baby has a probability of attracting the interest of an adopting parent at least seven times as high as the corresponding probability for an African-American baby.
This problem could easily be remedied if more evangelical adoption organizations partnered with black churches to increase the number of adoptions. In most black churches, adoption has not been popular because, historically, black orphans are usually rare, as family members, however distant, would take in the children of relatives. However, as the breakdown of the black family occurred in the 1970s by much of the social programming of the federal government, black orphans became more of a problem.
In 2008, the North American Council on Adoptable Children, the Child Welfare League of America, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and the National Association of Black Social Workers sought to amend federal laws dealing with transracial adoption, arguing that black children in foster care are ill-served by a “colorblind” approach meant to encourage their adoption by white families. The colorblind approach may actually harm black kids if they are not consciously connected to black culture, as is inferred from a report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.
Increasing the number of black adoptive parents will require more education, cooperation, and partnerships among the roughly 46,000 black congregations in America. Evangelicals are growing in their awareness of the implications of James 1:27 and are leading Christians nationally in is this area in many ways. The next big step is to include more church leaders from minority communities in the Christian adoption movement.
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, there are only 36,913 black kids ready to be adopted today because they are truly without parents. If one family in every black congregation would adopt one child, all the black children currently in the system would have a Christian home, especially black males. It really is that simple.

















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back to top61 Comments to “Adoption together with the black church”
I will lift my self imposed gage order.
My wife and me broke the rules. We are white family that adopted a great little African-American boy. My wife and me would love to adopted another one but the cost is so high that the average person finds it hard to adopt. You are talking about the cost being between $5,000 to $10,000 that is not even the court cost. Then you add in all the inspection and counseling to be listed as a family that is permitted to adopted. It can take you between 6 months to 3 years.
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This phrase bothered me: “can keep one from being embraced by mainstream America”
And how do you define mainstream America? Just white people? Don’t you spend any time in the real world, watching pop culture, etc. Because mainstream American culture accept and claim a lot more than you seem to do, Mr. Bradley.
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And in my town, Pastor Roy and his wife would not be unique. It is not unusual for a white family to adopt a black child. I work with someone who did, and I see these kids with their parents all over town.
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The point isn’t that the white people will adopt the black kids, it is that “they” want the black families to adopt the black kids. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with keeping black kids in the system rather than allowing them to be adopted by a white family. Kids need a sense of belonging. And not just to a cultural group but to people who care who they are and what they are doing and thinking and feeling.
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Don’t get yourself down, adoption is not really pushed in any congregation on a daily basis. Black, white, yellow, color should not matter when it comes to giving a child a family. My wife and I also are going through the adoption process. After about almost 2yrs of looking for children. It is truly heart breaking how Most religion based adoption agencies push for new born and international new born because, it is sad to say, the babies bring in the money. The older children are pushed aside because of the terrible childhood they encounterd. We are opening are home to a sibling group of two. But believe me If I had the means I would adopt as many I can give a home to. Also if people are not ready to adopt become foster parents that too can make a big differance in a child’s life. We are all but one color to the Father. The word needs to get out that there are plenty of children waiting to be adopted right here in the US.
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When adopting a African-American child an you are not black. You must be strong enough to deal with racisms on both sides. We will have our son now for 4 and a haft years. He is turning 5 in April. An I can tell you stories about comments from blacks and white, toward me and my wife with our son. I can tell you stories of our dear friend who is a African-American women, an the fights and arugments, she ends up in when we all go out to eat.
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Mr. Bradley, thank you for tackling this tough subject. I agree with most of what you have said, but disagree strongly with “The colorblind approach may actually harm black kids if they are not consciously connected to black culture.” If nothing else, unfortunately, the more strongly kids are connected to “black culture,” the more likely they are to grow up with dysfunction.
Ideally children should grow up with some knowledge of their heritage (most white Americans know little to nothing of our ethnic heritage, so it’s hardly essential, but is nice), but given a choice between growing up in a strong Christian home or a black home that isn’t Christian, the Christian home is far preferable. And the Christian community is its own community, culture, and family too. And let’s say that a black child manages not to have any contact with the black community but does learn how to be a godly man or woman, godly spouse, and have good job skills–will that person really have huge regrets that they got that end of learning instead of learning what they would have learned growing up in an inner-city neighborhood?
I think it’s somewhat similar (though not the same thing) to the average child growing up knowing how to communicate with peers but not with adults, and many homeschooled children knowing how to communicate with adults but not with their peer-raised peers. (I wasn’t homeschooled, but was in the second category myself.) Ideally a child will learn both the world of the adult and the world of the peer, and ideally the minority child will learn both his culture and how to be a successful adult. But given a choice of knowing the adult culture or the peer culture, an adult is better off having learned adult culture. And given a choice of only learning general American Christian culture (I’m not confusing the two, but saying both American and Christian) or only the black culture, especially the “ghetto” black culture, the child is far better off learning healthy culture–even if he has to wait for adulthood to learn black culture and won’t be quite as much of an “insider” as he would have been had he been raised in it. (Ask any recent immigrant from Africa if he wouldn’t rather be a successful American than an “insider” in the black community.)
And BTW, I know several white couples with black adopted children. All have worked hard to be sure the children know their “roots.” But considering that most black families have huge percentages of illegitimacy and male relatives in prison, on probation, or dead, I suspect that children who know their roots but know alternatives to their roots might not be losing as much as you think. If relatives can take them in, wonderful. If not, keeping them with black families just because they’re black is doing the children a disservice–and it’s racism, too. It’s also putting ethnic identity about Christian identity.
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Studies have shown that kids are not harmed by trans racial adoption.
6. Oddly as the mother of bi-racial son I have never encountered any racism from either side.
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I have made no effort to either raise my son “white” or help him discover his “roots”. He is my child, legally and emotionally. His culture is my culture. I will treat his African heritage the same way I treat my own Scottish and Cherokee heritage, as something of pride and interest but not his identity.
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KBells, I agree. And I have a friend who’s a mother of two black kids and seems to me to be overly concerned about the culture issue. It’s almost like she feels guilty that she “isn’t their real mom,” and lets her daughter manipulate her with the guilt of her not being black. I think it’s a parent’s choice how much to emphasize culture. I always knew I was Scottish, and always liked that fact, but it wasn’t really terribly important in my life (other than knowing that my family’s ability to manage money was culturally based).
I do know one family with two adopted black sons (as well as some biological sons) who went to an interracial church, lived in a mixed neighborhood, and so forth . . . and had the older of their two black sons end up with “ghetto” friends, eventually doing all the stuff they were doing (spending time in jail, getting his girlfriend pregnant) before finally straightening out his life. I’m really not at all convinced that “black culture” is anywhere close to the top of a black boy’s list of needs. A child needs a healthy community, not one of a particular skin color.
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The big Enforcers of the race color line in adoptions? From a recent article in NATIONAL REVIEW, the social work establishmt is the main culprit.
There are untold numbers of childless couples eager to take a child from a different ethni/pigment background.
Race increasingly counts for little. And that is a good thing. Few acknowledge Venus, Serena and Tiger achieving their status thru their own hard work. When the highest paid golfer is (or until recently that is, was) a black man, and the highest earning “rap star” was Marshall Mathers [Detroit white dude] you have to wonder what MLK would say.
[I'm sure he'd be repulsed by Tiger's unbridled libido with blondes or Eminem's crudity but save that for a different thread, why doncha].
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Sarcasm on: kbells you cannot possibly be telling the truth. I happen to know you live in one of the most “historically” racist cities in the country. Surely people look at you sideways all the time. Sarcasm off.
That is what is great about our area of the country. People put the fact that you wanted a baby and he needed a mom and dad ahead of anyone’s skin color or anything else. Just out of curiosity though, you have referred to the kid as bi-racial, what is his other ethnic heritage? Scotch/Irish/English/German/ Indian?
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Kim, His bio mom was English and Scottish, pretty much like us. A black friend thinks his bio dad was also part white but we know very little about him.
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I encourage black families who desire to adopt, to adopt. Meantime, do all these kids stay in limbo rather than put them in a stable loving home where they will learn the skills needed to succeed?
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Don’t single black women and men adopt children? –
Have you adopted or in the process, or contemplating the adoption of Black American males? – as you said “It really is that simple” – I would think you would be one of the first to step up to the plate and offer to be a dad to one of these boys, or maybe even two if their brothers.
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And, of course, if every church in America were to have a family step forward to adopt and offered the support mine does, we would have all five hundred thousand of those children in homes. But then the social workers and the child entourages would be out of work so I don’t think that will happen any time soon.
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Anthony wrote; “Being a black male puts you in one of the least desired categories of Americans, because “dark skin” and “negro dialect”—as Sen. Harry Reid suggested—can keep one from being embraced by mainstream America.”
It certainly CAN keep one from being embraced by leaders of the Democrat Party, like Senator Reid. Reid specifically identified those race-based factors as reasons why he thought Obama would be a good candidate and why he was embracing and supporting him.
Dark-skinned blacks need not carry as much hope for Democrat support from the likes of Senate Majority Leader Reid.
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Not everyone is cut out to adopt. Hubby and I decided that because of our age, income, temperament and the size of our house we would not be the best thing for a special needs child. We were in the process of looking into adopting an older child when our son became available. But people should not be guilted into taking on something they can’t handle. It could do more harm to the child than good.
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“Adoptable?”
“Electable?”
What’s the difference?
Democrat Senator Harry Reid blatantly fed into and exploited clear racist stereotypes and prejudice for political gain. And nevertheless, he was excused and defended even by alleged conservatives on this blog. Shame on him and on those who defend his words and motives.
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I suspect more of us are “mutts” than we are willing to admit. I still get a laugh out of it every time I think of my best friend in school at an all white “secregation academy” finding out as an adult that her grandmother or great-grandmother “passed”.
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My objection is that Bradley thinks black people are not in the mainstream, and that simply is no longer true. There is such a thing as American culture, not black, German, etc., and that’s what we aim for in this country. American culture takes in aspects of all cultures. Bradley sounds as bad as the NJ fathers who wouldn’t let their daughters date Italians.
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As an employee of The Cradle, one of the country’s leading adoption agencies since 1923, I feel it’s important to point out that there are several serious problems with the study referenced in this article.
First off, the entire analysis for the Center for Economic Policy Research (CEPR) study is based on data from a single, unnamed online facilitator. Many states have specifically banned facilitators from performing adoption services because they are not licensed and therefore some tend to operate within the murky fringes of adoption services, treating adoption as a for-profit matching transaction, rather than the important human service that it is.
Secondly, while there is a significant amount of data analysis in the study with regard to the matching process based on various characteristics of the baby, there is a striking lack of data with regard to the prospective adoptive parents using that particular facilitator. Instead, the study’s authors “infer parent characteristics based on their names and on their behavior on the website.” Hardly a solid basis upon which to begin any kind of analysis.
There is even a statement in the report that “the adopting parents in our sample are predominantly Caucasian,” but absolutely no reference as to what that means. Was the sample 51%, 80%, 99% Caucasian? The Cradle’s experience certainly affirms that many adopting parents have a preference to adopt a child of their same race and many birthparents also choose to place a child with parents of their same race. This holds whether the parents are African American or Hispanic or Caucasian. So if the prospective adoptive parents working with this online facilitator were “predominantly Caucasian,” then it is not surprising that their preferences would lean towards Caucasian placements.
Given these many and substantial flaws, it is unfortunate that this particular study was quoted in the article by Anthony Bradley. The point that Mr. Bradley goes on to make, however, is very important and one with which The Cradle agrees whole-heartedly. There is a great need for more African American adoptive parents. Raising adoption awareness in the African American community is something we feel very strongly about. In fact, our Sayers Center (named after Chicago Bears hall-of-famer, Gale Sayers — himself an adoptive parent) is dedicated to finding loving, permanent homes for African American infants.
Bryan Carter
The Cradle
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Cheryl D. wrote
[Ideally children should grow up with some knowledge of their heritage (most white Americans know little to nothing of our ethnic heritage, so it’s hardly essential, but is nice), but given a choice between growing up in a strong Christian home or a black home that isn’t Christian, the Christian home is far preferable. And the Christian community is its own community, culture, and family too. And let’s say that a black child manages not to have any contact with the black community but does learn how to be a godly man or woman, godly spouse, and have good job skills–will that person really have huge regrets that they got that end of learning instead of learning what they would have learned growing up in an inner-city neighborhood?]
Michael Oher’s story which was covered by WORLD a few issues ago proves your point. As shown in the hit film “The Blind Side,” Oher avoided becoming another dead Black guy on the streets because he was raised with strong Christian values instead of secular “ghetto” values.
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My comment is purely in reply to PR’s comment very early in the comments: Yes, some adoptions can be costly (specifically international and private adoptions). I imagine it might be different in each state, but where we live I don’t think this is uncommon: it does not cost anything to adopt out of the foster care system. We are approved by our state to adopt from foster care, and the only expenses we incurred were gas to and from the training site. There are no further legal or agency fees.
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My comment was of the purpose of reassuring anyone considering adoption that cost doesn’t always have to be a factor.
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Our goal is not to adopt infants, but sibling groups. Having applied for hundreds of children of any race, including groups of up to eight, and then watching them age out as we are not the right race is frustrating. As mentioned, the system does not hesitate to use us as foster care.
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As far as cost goes: we too work through the foster system. But Idaho (our area anyway) does not have an adoption specialist to do the homestudies so we were sent to a private guy. The cost was supposed to be reimburseable for him and for the legal costs. We have not seen any of that. But we did get the kids and that was what mattered to us.
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27. Mumsee, can you take it out of your taxes. We got most of our adoption cost back in taxes.
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We adopted our son in Africa, so he is a true African-American. We have made sure that he has had contact with his relatives, who would not adopt him, and also that he learns of the history of his people. At this stage, those things are only mildly interesting to him.
It has been a struggle, at times, for him to be different from the rest of us. We have tried to show him how each member of the family is different in some ways.
We have never gotten overt comments, but a couple of interesting things have happened. When my son was little, a man in a public restroom asked him if I was really his father. He was afraid that I might have lured him into the bathroom or that I had kidnapped him. Another time there was a lady in Alabama who had never met, as she said, “a real African.” She got really excited and even gave him a gift.
Concerning Mr. Bradley’s post, I would say that he posted it in the wrong place. It should appear on every African-American church website in America. I’m not saying it was bad for it to be here, but most of the people here are not the ones who need to read it the most.
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Racism is so yesterday. Adopt an American Indian child. Take it away from its family, place it in a white school, indoctrinate it with Christianity. Adopt a Haitian child. It’s OK’ it’s parents probably didn’t want it. Adopt a homosexual couple’s child.
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Anthony,
First, I agree with NJL at #2 above.
Second, I believe that most Christians (and most “white” folks in general) have gotten well beyond paying much attention to a person’s skin color!
Third, back in the 70s & 80s, I did the legal work (often at no cost, except court filing fees) for a good number of white couples (we live in a rural area where – until recently – there were very few black or hispanic people) adopting minority children and then watched while these children grew up – and I saw that those children were treated the same way that they would have been if they were white.
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Kyle A,
Thanks, I will pass that along to my tax specialist, Idahomike.
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My uncle, an obscurely famous composer of modern atonal music, adopted two American Indian children, twin sisters, Mohawk (or something in that area of American Indian heritage).
I met one of his daughters once. The two sisters sort of lived up to stereotypes of American Indians. The one I met was a private detective [stereotype: tracker, hunter, stealthy]. She seemed intelligent, competent, and stable to me. She told me her twin sister was an alcoholic.
I think it was admirable that my Jewish uncle was so successful in crossing these barriers that his adopted daughters were able to fulfill their destiny to live up to sterotypes.
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On the other hand, my granddaughter has two mommies and two daddies (none “married” to each other, though the two couples live as if they are stable couples.
Random Granddaughter is an intelligent and high-strung child. I have read many stereotypes about homosexuals over the years at worldmagblog, and about their unfit capacity to raise children.
How much is it worth to you to have RG live up to your stereotypes? She will need money for college, you know. My wife and I are squandering our children’s inheritance.
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What a perfect time for this discussion. As I have written before, we tried for some years to adopt “special needs children” of any race. When the laws changed and the social workers were forced to allow black children or hispanic children to be adopted by white families we were successful. Over the years social workers are typically opposed to these adoptions. Each agency told us that it is very hard to place a black baby boy period. One of our two 14 year old sons is black. We were military in the beginning of his life so he had lots of playmates that were from bi-racial couples. The military is the perfect place to adopt because of so many couples that are different races. Now out in the civilian world there is very little of that. We are now working with a congregation that has been diverse (10% Hispanic, 40% black and 50%white) and it has been good for all our boys. The vast majority of blacks in our congregation are highly educated and very successful. It has been good to show our boys successful blacks and hispanic.
Now the other story- adopting older children. We have adopted two different times older boys, one was 14 and one was 10. YOu have absolutely no idea what you are getting into when you adopt older children. I have always appreciated the hard work of Focus on the Family until recently. They are promoting older kid adoptions.
14 year old son came in from a treatment center. We worked and we worked. At one point before the adoption we were not convinced he really wanted to be adopted. His behavior was outrageous. The workers came and told us it was just the anxiety of the adoption. He was testing (they told us) us so we just need to prove to him we would hang in there. Two years later his outrageous behavior became criminal. I wont go into the details but suffice it to say he was diagnosed with “anti-social personality disorder” in other words no conscience. He spent 3 months in jail which was a miracle for beating our 14 year old son. He is now on the streets selling the drugs he is given to control his impulese.
Enter 10 year old that is now 14. He had fetal alcohol effect, chronic PTSD, depression and ADHD. He was born 3 months early and came out beaten. DHS took 9 very long years to get him out of his mothers care along with 5 sisters. Severe neglect sexual and physical abuse. We and he didnt even know what state he was born in till a few days before the adoption. Nothing was known especially the diagnosis above. He is out of control. He refuses counseling of any kind and he refuses all meds. He has sunk into a depression and has given up. DHS is NO help. There are no resources for us to tap into. He was failing academically and socially so he took not one but two knives to school the other day and then made a huge scene at the school. Because the blades were under 3 inches he will not be expelled. I am dealing with a very sick hubby and an out of control teen. I am not the only one with these stories. I know quite a few families who have similar stories. It is not enough to give them love. We used to think all we need to give them is love. Any child would respond to love, encouragement, a good family,a roof over their heads and good food. It is not true. Four of our boys were adopted at birth and have done great because we were there in the beginning to shape and mold them.
I am sorry this is so long. When you see a huge photo presentation of these beautiful children who are older and want to be adopted it just simply is not true. Most are so damaged they are incapable of receiving the love.
We continue to serve the LORD even though the outcomes are not always good. He will make all things right in the end.
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My objection is that Bradley thinks black people are not in the mainstream, and that simply is no longer true. There is such a thing as American culture, not black, German, etc., and that’s what we aim for in this country. American culture takes in aspects of all cultures. Bradley sounds as bad as the NJ fathers who wouldn’t let their daughters date Italians.
Amen, NJlawyer.
Too many times we let little statements to go unchallenged. And language can be ‘racial’ only when the person spewing it causes it to be.
Being a black male puts you in one of the least desired categories of Americans
Nonsense. Maybe Bradley doesn’t want to be a black. Frankly I don’t care what color someone is. At one time I was prejudiced against purple hair. But I outgrew my prejudice.
black orphans became more of a problem. No! The black orphan is not a problem. The problem is that a child is not housed with a loving family teaching him good values and showing the child that he can be loved and is loved. That is a problem. And anytime a child is not loved that is a problem.
If one family in every black congregation would adopt one child, all the black children currently in the system would have a Christian home, especially black males. It really is that simple.
Nothing is truly ever simple when it comes to adoption. No matter what color the kids , no matter what the color of the parents.
How many children were in foster care on September 30, 2008? 463,000 (from the url Bradley posted. )
So why single out the black kids, and why single out the black congregations? Teach every child good things no matter what color they are. Because their true color just like yours and mine is “CHILD”. My Father told me so.
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Anthony made the point that “…’dark skin’ and ‘negro dialect’—as Sen. Harry Reid suggested—can keep one from being embraced by mainstream America.”
This is a true statement but it does not necessarily mean that all black males are out of the mainstream. It means that with some people who still make assessments based on skin-color and dialect, like Democrat senator & Majority Leader Harry Reid, they “can” be kept out of the mainstream (or at least out of the oval office).
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Jiller, thank you for telling your heartbreaking story. I personally think that we’ve gone too far in doing away with orphanages, that some children have more “chance” in a group setting with more built-in safeguards than the typical family home can have. I’ve heard enough hard stories even from people who adopted quite young children (birth to three) to know it’s harder than anyone expects, and my own limited experience with fairly young foster children (four and six and five and six)left me aware that taking in older children is a serious undertaking, and one I couldn’t handle.
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Jiller/older adoptions,
What Jiller says is very true. A lot of the older kids are set on their course and have no intention of veering and only a direct touch from God will do it. But there are others who can make the change, with God working through those around them.
For the older ones, I absolutely advocate getting them out of public school as quickly as the state allows. You can not help them address their issues in the four hours of family time remaining after the public school day, less if extracurricular activities are involved. Our oldest did not really begin to address her integrity issues while in school, there was nobody to hold her accountable. She is much more at peace now and beginning to get an ability to focus. She has a long way to go and may never break some of the barriers, but we are seeing growth. Most of you probably remember the kids’ older brother and how he came along and then broke things down to go back to the old stomping grounds where he could sell and use with his bio parents, on the state’s dollar. That is what Jiller is talking about. It happens. It is not easy. But, there are some who can make the change so it is worth it.
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Senate leader Harry Reid’s words define him. Harry Reid is an ‘r-word.’ And I mean that in Harry Reid’s case to be as derogatory as possible.
If being an R-word doesn’t keep you out of the mainstream (Harry ‘R-word’ Reid is after all the leader in the Senate)then dark skin doesn’t either.
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Cheryl D,
A lot of the kids age out in residential care, which could be considered an orphanage. We have Northwest Children’s Home in our area. It houses children from around ten to seventeen. I think they have around seventy kids and their lives are fairly regemented in the hope of giving them coping skills.
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Boise area has the Idaho Youth Ranch. There are several. They just don’t call them orphanages and I understand they have a lot of folks to help address the issues.
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Mumsee, I do know there are several such homes around still. But it seems sometimes they try too hard to put children in foster care or adoption who can’t safely be there. The bias is strongly against group homes, even when they’re necessary.
Case in point: I was asked about fostering a ten-year-old girl, and said yes, and my agency said they’d get back to me about whether she was going to be placed through their agency. They got back to me and said they’d probed further, and refused to take the child. Turns out she’d killed small animals and broken a dog’s legs. Hello? And if my agency hadn’t been diligent, they would have placed such a child with a single woman who owns a dog? In a neighborhood with a lot of seniors? Such a child is really dangerous; those are serious red flags. An agency (or the state) should never consider placing her in a private home unless the family really knows what they are doing, and knows the whole truth about the child. But a group home is probably really the only safe place for such a child, since sending her to public school is endangering other children (especially a school, like mine, where she would have been in the oldest grade in the school, and could easily have attacked a kindergartner or pre-K).
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Cheryl – 43
What you have posted is true, and it is dangerous. There are agency’s and individuals who don’t investigate situations such as you have posted above. Not only are the families in danger but their pets, the neighborhood, and children attending the same school. That goes for adopted children as well as foster children.
Mental illness is overlooked all too often as well, within the system.
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The state has full disclosure laws, where the gaining family is to be told all pertinent info, but they don’t. Things come up for years afterward.
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Mumsee – “but they don’t”
All too often that happens – it’s dangerous, it puts the adoptive family or foster family in danger, …. not even knowing to be on guard – and perhaps declining to have the child in their home if they knew the TRUTH.
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We just figure they are not telling us all. It is up to us to protect the kids from things and ideas they bring with them as well as what is here. And to protect the kids we already have. It is best not to be too trusting in this position.
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Mumsee – You must have a full time job of “watching” – You can’t trust, it’s not wise.
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Which is why I can spend so much time on here. Computer is right in the center of the six kids. They all play or work in the three rooms open before me. And why hubby used to stay up until almost morning, watching down the hall to make certain troubled teen did not wreak havoc on other kids or stuff. It was exhausting for him, but he felt he needed to be vigilant, he proved correct.
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Monty, since Harry Reid made his assessment for supporting a Democrat nominee at least in part on the basis of skin-color (favoring light-skin and presuming that the candidate’s light skin would make him more plausible with American voters), and since Reid’s influence in his position is huge, we can conclude that this attitude did indeed keep some candidates out of the process, and thus out of the mainstream.
And since Reid is in a high position of power, your presumption of him being an “R” word may well indicate that this alleged factor is less constricting than having dark skin. What did apparently work for Reid himself did not work so well for dark-kinned black who Democrats like Reid admittedly passed over when assessing nominees.
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Presumption? He has proven it.
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Anthony,
“..can keep one from being embraced by mainstream America.”?
Gee, what a goal…
..how to make the “multitude” like me.
“Who gave himself for our sins, that he might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father:” (Ga 1:4)
“If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before [it hated] you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.” (Joh 15:18-19)
:-O
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We have adopted older children. May is our 5 year anniversary of meeting our girls, two sisters adopted from foster care. They were 12 and 9 when we met them. They are caucasion, like us, but we were open to children of other races. We were not matched with any.
The older girl still feels resentful for being taken our of her biological home, despite the abuse there, and has given us many hours of trouble of various kinds. However, things are relatively calm at the moment. I have come to realize that we are called to love, and when rejected, love some more. (As is the book Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers.)
I just want Jiller and all others that have had such trouble to know that they are not alone. Parents looking to adopt would keep these stories in mind. I don’t say that they should not adopt, they should just realize — it’s going to be hard. Harder than you realize.
I also agree that African american families should be encoraged to adopt and I pray that more Christian couples should adopt.
I praise God for the success we have had so far in building our family.
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I don’t know how much research some of you have done regarding the adopted child’s deep held beliefs, however I will share what I have found, both in research and talking with those who are adopted, or those who have chosen to adopt their children to others.
Often times as children become older realizing what adoption means, (that their “real parent” is not the one raising them) spend a great deal of time wondering what that parent is like, where they live, if there were reasons why they were kept from raising them. It’s not unusual for a child to believe that if they had been left at the hospital long enough the natural parent would have eventually taken them home to raise. – - – This is where the child begins to resent the adoptive parent/parents, because it then becomes “their fault” for not leaving them in the hospital or foster home situation – after all the ‘real parent/parents’ would have changed their mind, become responsible, etc.
Children have a natural desire to know their ‘real parent’ – that’s stiff medicine for adoptive parents, but it’s the truth for the most part. Children who had once known their biological parents are still in many ways bonded to them, even if they were not good parents. Talking to adopted children is heartbreaking, they are often broken no matter how wonderful, kind, loving their adoptive parents treated them, no matter how much love was showered.
We as adopted parents can’t fix the pain, sorrow and grief a child goes through when they feel this resentment – only the LORD can heal the hurt. Some would say we are baby sitters after we adopt, and there is a lot of truth in that statement, but as Christian Believers it is GOD’s will that we’ve taken on that responsibility no matter how difficult or painful.
I have a friend who I enjoyed very much, we shopped, lunched and had many good times together. One day after we had lunch and shopped we went to a coffee shop before driving back to L.A., as we sat there talking, she looked at me and said “I gave up a son X number of years ago – I KNOW that one day he will come and look for me” – I continued to listen, .. I asked why she was so certain, she had given him up and he had parents who had loved him. She countered with, “yes but I know he will want to know me” — The bond was just as strong as it was the day she gave him up. I was glad she had chosen me to confide in, at the same time the cause and pain in her life was revealed.
We attended the funeral of a good friend of mine. She and her husband had adopted two boys and then had a daughter of their own. They loved all three of their children, all of them are wonderful. At the funeral which was very large, I talked to the elder son whom I had known since he was very young, he knew he was adopted, but never ever mentioned a word to me about it. After the funeral I talked with all three of the kids whom I know well – there was a buffet luncheon which was served beautifully orchestrated by the daughter. I looked around the room, and noticed the elder son standing all alone, with plate in hand, with the most far away look in his eyes, – he wasn’t even there, he was so far away. I have come to understand that the grief of that day for the mother he loved dearly was most likely intermingled with the biological mother who had never raised him. I don’t know whether he looked for her, or if he ever found her, ….. but knowing this young man, I am sure he would never have told his mother or father what his intentions were, or the outcome. He’s a fine Christian young man, educated, working in a Christian organization. The respect he holds for his parents has always been obvious to anyone who knows him….. however the look on his face I will never forget – no one walked up to him, no one interfered with the thoughts that lingered in his mind for awhile as he stood there all alone.
I believe that adoption is something none of us will ever totally understand – whether we are the adoptive parents, the parent who gave away their child, but most of ALL the children, the secrets of their heart are deep and not available to most anyone else, no matter how trusted.
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Victoria – Thank you for sharing that, it was quite touching.
Maybe this is why “open adoption” has gained in popularity over the last several years. Supposedly (this was told me by an adoptive mother), having some contact with the birth mother can be helpful to the child, & the birth mother is better able to accept relinquishing her parental rights.
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Absolutely the worst aspect of Adoption in America is that the governmental agency responsible for adoption is the same agency that is responsible for protecting children and providing foster care for children. These agency’s derive their entire existence from the number of cases they oversee. Increse the case load, increase the budget and the staffing levels. More children in care equals bigger agency – - bigger agency means more influency within the state’s government.
From the agency’s perspective, these children will always be safer if the state remains involved in their lives. If they allow a child to be adopted – the state’s involvement ceases
Also, the agency is charged with providing foster care. The number of homes / families willing to open their doors to these children is fairly limited. If they fill a home with adopted children, that home will no longer be a foster care resource.
As for the federal law stating that race can no longer be used as a basis to refuse an adoption, the social workers merely changed the word from ‘race’ to ‘culture’. (The child could not adapt to your ‘culture’.)
A friend of ours applied for three boys. About three months later, they called to check on the status. They were told that the state had received 70 home studies for these boys, but that they hadn’t found ‘the right home yet’. Out of 70 approved home studies – they couldn’t find a single suitable home???
There is no shortage of people willing to adopt these children – right now we have a situation in which the very jobs of the people responsible for getting these children into loving homes is dependent on the children remaining in state custody.
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Karen –
Open adoption has become very popular and in some instances it is a good idea, in others it opens the door for the biological mother to stay not so far behind, taking note of what’s going on.
There are good and bad reasons for ‘private adoption’ –
It’s not unusual for a biological mother (who adopted out her child as ‘private adoption’) to enlist the help of another family member from the adoptive parent family, even if the child is only a few years old – the problem with this is; the one/ones she contacts might not understand that undermining the privacy of the adoptive family and child in the end causes trouble – I’ve seen this happen, it is deceptive, …… – all the while giving private information to the biological mother which she doesn’t deserve – believing they are helping a woman who has given up her child.
A clean break when adopting an infant is the best way for a good start, both for the adoptive family and the biological mother. IF when the child becomes of age he/she wants to connect, then all information should be available to the child. It should be the child who makes contact first – the reason for this is; the child had NO SAY in the adoption, he or she has no first hand idea of what the biological family is, or why they gave them up.
It isn’t that hard to find ones biological family – the internet has made many resources available, and many of them provide a fast link using birth date, hospital, city and state and the first and last name of the biological mother. All private adoptions and biological mother are known to the adoptive parents – I believe it’s cruel to withhold information to an adopted child, even if the parents are sure the outcome might be painful which it often is – just make sure the child has reached 18 – even then they might be too young, but deserve the information.
Karen you mentioned: “having some contact with the birth mother can be helpful to the child, & the birth mother is better able to accept relinquishing her parental rights.” –
A child who is adopted finds out very quickly that they’re adopted, IF the adoptive parents are honest with their child. A child becomes confused with a mother and father figure, and then there’s a woman who is the ‘real mother’ – adopted kids tend to hide their confusion. Until they are of age, it is good to keep things as normal and simple as possible. If the biological mother cares about the child she gave up, she will leave the family alone, and let them live their lives without interfering.
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Victoria –
I think you already know that Mumsee and I are trying to adopt more – we’ve already adopted three and have three foster children now.
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Idahomike –
Yes we all know about you TWO. It’s good to hear the latest from Mumsee as she solves some of the problems, and gives updates often, on you and the kids. It’s a heart warming to know that you both are led and willing to share your lives and whatever you have with children.
We too have adopted -
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The content of the parents’ character, not the color of their skin, is what is important. I’ll put the final nail in this coffin. Today we start to foster a little girl who is half Hispanic, half African-American. Which “culture” should this little girl be raised in? Does she need one parent who is Hispanic and one who is African-American? Of course not. Often, “culture” is a code word for skin color. It doesn’t matter what color her new parents will be. It does matter that they love her, feed her, clothe her, shelter her, teach her, and pass God’s love along to her. That is all.
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