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Self-love and loving others
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus gave us this as the second of the two greatest commandments. Paul described it as the summation or fulfillment of the whole law. No complicated explanations, lists of caveats, or endless parsing—just: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
And we Westerners have taken it to heart. Sort of. It’s more accurate to say that we have taken it and fit it to our hearts.
It has morphed from “Love your neighbor as yourself” to “Love your neighbor because you love yourself” to “Love yourself so you can love your neighbor.” Instead of reflecting the One who gave the command, it has been, to create a term, Gollum-ized into a twisted, nasty, self-focused, inverted mantra. We have made ourselves the focus of the love.
Watch reality TV sometime. It could be American Idol, The Biggest Loser, The Bachelor, or one of many others. But no matter which show you watch, there is good chance you will hear something to the effect of “You know, you just have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” It’s the American mantra of self-love that we claim leads to real love but really offers no love at all.
The claim of increasing one’s self-love in order to love others more is rubbish. Increased self-love impedes love of others; it is an obstacle. And it is not what Jesus intended and it is not the kind love about which Paul wrote.
Jesus knew the reality of human nature, that we value ourselves above anyone else. So he used the human commitment to our own well-being and comfort to set the bar for love of others. In one simple phrase, Jesus called us out of ourselves and into an others-focused life. The reality of self-love ought to be a constant reminder of the need for real others-love.
As Christians, we know that the origin of genuine love does not come from within. And, in fact, the reality of self-love is a twisted, idolatrous worship. We love because we are loved, because God loved us first, because from Him comes our worth. On the other hand, we love ourselves because we seek to be God.
When we seek to love our neighbors as ourselves we are not to be idolizing self. No, we are to be aware of our propensity for self-care and self-comfort and transfer it willingly to others to care for and comfort them instead. We are to love them as we love ourselves, not because we love ourselves.
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Barnabas wrote; “Jesus called us out of ourselves and into an others-focused life.”
I essentially agree.
Don’t forget that “Love your neighbor as yourself,” is a COMMAND. The sort of love of which spoke here was a sort that can be outright commanded! It’s more something you do than feel.
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The greatest love of all is happening to me.
I have the greatest love of all inside of me.
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve.
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
The above lyrics are from a song that Whitney Houston (at least at one time) considered her favorite. Later in the same song, Houston sings, “I never will stand in anyone’s shadow.”
I think this philosophy has robbed a lot of culture-craving Americans of their genuine joy. Popular wisdom points us inside for hope. Christians, however, look outside themselves to God, His Word and His church for hope. Inside, we see helplessness and hopelessness. Deep gratitude rises in our hearts when we learn that God has not left us to ourselves. When Christians love, we point our hearts outward.
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The self-denial that Jesus demands has nothing to do with self-hatred. It simply rises from knowing where not to place our hope. Paul wrote, “…in humility consider others as better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3). Jesus came not to be served, “but to serve.” (Matthew 20:28). His followers also seek to serve with hearts willing to live in the shadow of another. The greatest love of all is actually REFUSED in the lyrics of the Whitney Houston song quoted at #2. The best love of all CAN stand in the shadows.
Thanks for this article and for spurring my thoughts.
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Thank you for this article. In the present maelstrom of political controversy, this is a welcome and timely reminder.
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This concept of “love your neighbor as yourself” is really so much simpler than modern minds have made it. The writer asssumed that we all had some self respect. We weren’t egotistical but we did value ourselves and our contribution to the whole. BECAUSE we loved ourselves, saw some degree of self-worth, etc we were to treat others the same way. I liken it to being on an airplane when they give the oxygen mask lecture. Put the mask on yourself THEN help whoever else needs help. You do this so you won’t pass out and NEED help yourself. They don’t tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself, sit there, inhale deeply, and concentrate on your own breathing and getting all the oxygen you can and to h e (( with the other guy, let him get his own oxygen.
So now that I have explained this concept to you—GO. GO love your neighbors as yourself, maybe you should even love them as Jesus loves you. Love is the only think I know of that you can give away and still have more of at the end of the day than you started with .
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We are to love them as we love ourselves, not because we love ourselves.
Jesus’ great commandment in my view forbids the protestant vice of self-loathing. Obviously, we cannot love our neighbor as we love ourselves if we don’t love ourselves, nor can we love God if we despise human nature.
Jesus’ great commandment is to the categories of morality what Einstein’s theory of relativity is to Newton’s physics.
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I agree that most of our culture is obsessed with self-love, and to turn *this* command into an admonition to love ourselves is grossly inappropriate.
But this must be balanced with a healthy self-respected as God made us. There is a balance to our worth: 1) totally depraved as wretched sinners 2) Made in the image of the Almighty and loved beyond comparison. The victim of abuse needs to hear the latter and take courage against the oppressor because she is worth it. The guilt-ridden murderer must take hold of the truth of God’s forgiveness to love beyond himself. The arrogant church-goer must be humbled by the truth of her sin, and so on. They need to be held in balance, and to ignore our worth as bestowed by God (as this article does) is just as damaging as ignoring our need for a savior.
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It’s not surprising that the priestly profession, which takes the overall attitude that humans are “fallen” creatures, lower than pond scum, would not encourage self respect.
I recall a sign from a Harlem classroom (probably verboten now, but never mind):
God didn’t make no junk.
That’s a good start.
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Some of you are still missing it.
We do not have to love ourselves before we can love others. Jesus’ statement assumes, rightly, that we already love ourselves. It is our natural, default position.
Even so-called self-loathing is a form of self-love, since it is self-indulgent and usually attention-seeking.
Besides, how can a person love himself if he is not a person who loves others? No, loving others must come before we can love ourselves for the right reason and in the right way.
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Kyle, I disagree with you that loving others must come before we can love ourselves…otherwise the scripture would say “love yourselves as you love others”.
I think this is a situation where “learned minds” have naval gazed and made this something it isn’t. It is assumed you love yourself. End of story. It really isn’t something you have to work at. NOW, love others as yourself. This isn’t a selfish statement. It just IS. It shouldn’t be something that takes a whole lot of thought to do. You should just be able to do it.
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Before you can rightly speak of the second greatest commandment it is necessary for one to have been a partaker of the first great commandment, which is “thou shall love the lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul and with all they mind.” For the kind of love of which both Jesus and Paul reference is the love of God. The second greatest commandment hangs on this first great commandment and it is true men have been commanded to love God above all things even themselves. Since loving God with our complete being is outside of man’s capacity God has made provisions that all men shall know and love him through Jesus Christ. The passage that Mr. Piper mentions is found in Matthew 22:36-39. These two commandments really cannot be considered apart from one another and they are not written with the family of God in mind…the family God do not have to be told to love him absolutely nor their brethren they already do…so both of these commands become a confirmation that they do love God…these two commands are for the hearing of all men everywhere that they may know these things must be done…it will be seen that these were not options…these commandments confirm to those who do not love God nor their neighbors that they are on the outside.
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Thank you TParker.
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